Sewing lessons

While I was in PA, my MIL and I had an impromptu sewing lesson and project.  Originally I had asked her for help picking a pattern to get ready for a class for which I had registered in mid-October, but we turned it into a mostly-complete apron.  Over the course of 24h we managed to get to the store, buy materials, and she taught me the basics needed to work on the project.  I ironed, cut, sewed, and stitched.  I still have some finishing touches to complete, but it’s 90% done.  I appreciated getting one-on-one instruction from her on something I hadn’t touched in over 20 years, not since jr. high.  I wouldn’t be going into class “cold.”

I went over to Fabricville on Sunday for supplies. I wanted to start from scratch on a different pattern, so I found one of the apron patterns we couldn’t find in PA.  One of the issues we had on the PA apron was that the material wasn’t wide enough to fit the pattern and I wanted to make sure I avoided that problem this time.  I sought some help making sure I had the right width of material, but the clerk wasn’t very helpful with a newbie.  She showed me the rows and rows of cottons and left me to decide: fine, I take a long time deciding anyway.  They didn’t have a clearly distinguished “sale table” so I ended up getting something that wasn’t the most expensive but wasn’t as cheap as I should have gotten for a beginner project.  When I said that I wanted to make sure I had enough width, thinking of how we were a bit short on the first apron, she steamrolled over me and said it was fine… well, ok, but an explanation of why it would be fine might have been nice.  Still being new, it didn’t occur to me that I could fold the material the other way and make it wider and just change what I was measuring against.  Ironically, my instructor later said that clerk was the best person to ask for help in the store. Uh, yeah, I think I’ll be avoiding her “help” in future visits.

[Aside: I'm not a fan of how Fabricville posts their pricing, and they pretty much push their loyalty card to the point where you feel like you're being ripped off if you don't get it. Fabricville is the only game in town anymore now that Wal-Mart is out of the fabric business.  I will have to spend more time at Mardens in Calais next time I want cheaper fabric.]

I washed and ironed my material and headed over to the school last night. I discovered my material was indeed not wide enough (GRRR!) and the instructor said, “no problem, we’ll just fold it this way instead, and not measure against the selvedge.”  Ok, why didn’t I think of that?  Guess that’s why I’m in a class, to learn.  What she didn’t tell me, and that my MIL did and made me do, was that I should have re-ironed my material and ironed the pattern.  I didn’t see until later that the instructor had set up an iron and it was ready to go, so I proceeded without re-ironing.  That was a mistake, but lesson learned.  I have some horribly crooked lines that I blame solely on lack of ironing.  I knew better; my fault.  I won’t make that mistake again (even though I hate to iron).

I managed to pin all of my pattern pieces, cut everything out, and start sewing the edge of the tie.  Given my crooked cut, that wasn’t as easy as my PA apron.  The pattern calls for bias tape, so I need to decide whether I want to proceed with learning to use that, or just do a regular hem.  Bias tape was one of the few things my MIL and I didn’t tackle.  Fabricville clerk wasn’t helpful with that either. I questioningly said the pattern called for it but I didn’t think I needed it?  She pretty much just gave me a blank half-smile as though she wasn't listening.  I may proceed with the bias tape just to get some practice with it.

I felt much better during my first class by knowing some basics already, and I think her tips and suggestions are very valuable.  I expected to hear the same tips from the instructor last night, who likely does know them, but given the unstructured environment of the class, did not pass them on.  Though an apron is "not important," I think I should treat it as such as a beginner in order to gain the skills for the future.  I am also a perfectionist, so I should have listened to my instincts about ironing at the beginning, and noticed there was an iron ready.  My MIL showed me how to measure against the edges for the non-fold items, and the instructor didn't focus on that being important, but I agree with my MIL on that one, plus I like to be exact (perhaps to a fault).  I was embarrassed to get out my measuring tape and to be exact, but maybe I should just do things the way I want to do them.  As I was pinning, I remembered my MIL's advice regarding notches, and to pin so that I wouldn't cut off the notches. I was happy to not screw that part up as it's apparently a common mistake.

My MIL had me use pinking shears because of how cotton frays at the edges.  She explained that pinking would stop that and make it much easier to work with.  When I went to purchase the shears at Fabricville, the clerk tried to talk me out of it due to the price ($40 seemed unreasonable, but it was the day before class and I couldn't source them online) and she said I didn't need them for that project.  I would need them if I was sewing PJs and the seams blah blah blah.  At that point I already decided I didn't like her advice and went ahead and splurged on the shears.  I was very glad I did when cutting last night.  They may have been expensive, but were so much more easy on my hand than the pair I used in PA.  My instructor commented that I was using them and it was a good idea, so I didn't have to finish the edges later.  Score another point for the MIL School of Sewing.  :)

I want to give a big thank you to my MIL for taking the time and effort to give me lessons during my PA vacation. Hopefully when she reads this post, she can see that I've kept [most of] her advice and will slap my own wrist regarding the ironing. The pinking shears I bought were Mundial, I think that was the brand she suggested?

So week 1 of 6 is done.  I'm not sure how much time I will have to work on the project at home, given the new cat adoption, book club book I need to finish, Zumba, Halloween decorating, laundry, general house cleaning, knitting, and doing something with my photo project. For someone who used to do nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV or read, I now have a lot more hobbies than I have time for.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but at least no one can call me a couch potato.

Getting adjusted

When we adopted Romy a little over 3 years ago, it was my first experience at pet ownership.  I remember having crazy reactions to the situation, involving much crying and internal hysterics.  I'm going to have cat hair everywhere, he'll wreck all my stuff, I won't like having him around but will have to suffer through it because I made the commitment, etc.  Now I can't imagine my home life without him.  Though he is more attached to John than he is to me, he and I still have our routines.  He waits for me to get out of the shower so I can pet him.  I am the morning attention-giver, so he comes to me first for attention.  Romy has been an entertaining companion.  Had you asked me 4 years ago whether I'd be this happy having a cat, I don't think I would have said yes.

It was hard enough for me to adopt my first pet, so John didn't push me to get the standard 2 cats at the same time, to keep each other company, and to not have to deal with one encroaching on the other's domain.  We had discussed a second cat, one who could be more "my" cat, who might also be more of a lap cat.  I had been hoping Romy would be more cuddly with me than he is, so the thought of a loving lap cat to curl up with me when I read or watch TV is appealing.  We've visited the shelter numerous times, keeping our eyes open for "the" cat.  We developed a track record for visiting cats who had been in the shelter for a while and them being adopted soon thereafter. 

When we met Sapphire at the Pet Corral in May, we figured she would be adopted soon.  May turned to October and she was still there.  John wanted this to be my decision to get a second cat, and I felt bad that such a sweet, loving cat had been in the shelter system since Dec 2011 was still up for adoption in Oct 2012.  On Saturday morning, we went down and visited her one more time, and she was still the sweet, loving cat we kept taking out of the cage to visit.  We decided to adopt her and brought her home.

Over the course of 5 months, I had been thinking about her and wondering why she was still there.  John said "some people might call that a sign".  To be honest, I'm not sure she's "the" cat I envisioned, as I chose to adopt her more out of guilt/pity than a specific pull/feeling like I had with a cat I met who was not up for adoption.  But I was confident enough that she liked me, and that she seemed calm and loving enough that we could work with each other.

I have been freaking out ever since we actually got her home.  "Crap, what if Romy doesn't want to share his space, it's a lot to ask."  "What if after she is spayed she turns into a different cat that I won't like?"  "What if I don't end up loving her as much as Romy?"  "I don't know if she's a climber, or a scratcher, a marker, a shedder, untrainable to stay off tables, has furballs, etc etc"  I had all of the same concerns with Romy.  Romy has turned out to be a great cat, who is large and thus not a climber. We've managed his scratching tendencies quite well and he has not damaged anything significant.  We have trained him to stay off areas where we eat.  He doesn't seem to produce hairballs and shedding is reasonable.  Overall he's a great cat, so my brain says you can't get that lucky twice.  John says he doesn't have bad cats, period.  Still, I manage to flip out for the past two days.

We have read advice on integrating cats, so we John was prepared for the experience.  So far it's been going as well or possibly better than he expected.  I don't like the hissing and growling Romy was doing toward her, but they didn't have any fighting or attempted fighting.  I just feel guilty that I'm asking Romy to share his space with another cat and he doesn't really get a say in it.  If he could talk, I would listen.  ;)

I hope this works out ok and that I don't regret the decision.  I am calmer about it today than I have been the last 2 days.  I just need to give it time for everyone, including me, to adjust.  I'll consider it a win if the two cats can live in the same house and tolerate each other without marking territory.  Gravy would be if they actually liked to play together or curl up together, but I won't hold my breath.

Part of the reason why I am flipping out is because I take the commitment of cat guardian seriously. This cat will be with me for an average of 10 years. That's a long time.  I can't just return her to the store.  I have held off on adopting a second cat before because I wanted a foster arrangement to see if it would work out with Romy and with us, and if not, then it would be understood that we could take the cat back.  Given how overrun this area is with cats, though, that arrangement is not easy to find.  So if I wanted to give it a try, it's a permanent commitment right off the bat.  Not something that I have an easy time swallowing.

All indications are that this will work out ok.  Now if my stomach and nervous system would just believe that, it would be great.  I'll keep giving it time, and I'll be ok.  I have a cat who needs and wants a home, who is happy to be there, so now it's my turn to live up to my end of the bargain.

The world scares me

I think the older I get, the more scary the world is becoming.  I look around me and think about what I see, and I'm not sure I like what's going on out there.  I feel weighed down by the mistakes of humanity, which is one reason why I don't pay a lot of attention to the news.  Sometimes it gets mentally overwhelming.

Some days I feel like the invention of plastic was a huge mistake that is choking the planet.  Plastic washing up on beaches, plastic thrown away in landfills (more than what we're recycling), our reliance on plastic everywhere in our homes.  Humanity survived for thousands of years without plastic, but now we can't?  It seems sad.  I have always been angry at those who litter instead of just hanging onto a piece of garbage for a few more minutes until they reach a garbage can, but lately I am also reminded that garbage cans go to landfills.  At the rate we're going, the whole planet is becoming a landfill.  Many people simply do not care about it, either.  What are we going to do in the future if we plan on surviving as a race?  There have been movies which used this idea as a storyline (think Wall-E), and I don't think they're all that far off from the truth.  It scares the crap out of me.  Who has a plan to fix this?  Nobody.  One of many reasons why I don't think I want to bring a child into this world.

Blatant consumerism doesn't help.  I'll be the first to admit that I am a slave to that philosophy.  What I have done recently is try not to increase my "buy useless crap" quotient.  I've been trying to employ my friend's rules for puurchases: 1)  Do I need it?  2) Where will I put it/what will I get rid of to make room?  3) Can I afford it?  (not necessarily in that order).  Other times, I fail miserably because I want shiny new X.  I figure at least trying to improve my thought processes is better than never considering it, but maybe I'm wrong.

The spelling/grammar problem is getting increasingly worse to the point where I'm genuinely scared for how dumb North Americans will look in the near future. I was in a store yesterday where they were selling "mini-scrappers".  These were not small items that liked to fight, but were actually scrapers.  Another post on Facebook today from a friend who said "your not so bad."  This is a guy in the middle of university, a generally smart kid who should know better.  Those of us who do know better just end up getting flamed for making corrections. I guess the dumb will prevail, but that's not the kind of world I want to live in.  Auto-correct is the work of Satan.  Smart guy, Satan. He knew we'd just get lazy and ignore spelling and grammar rules, blindly accepting whatever the computer suggests to us as correct.  I wonder if kids are being taught that it is not absolute, but that you must also use common sense and the rules you were taught in school to apply as well?  I doubt it.  Sad.

[Is this post grammatically correct? No, I know it's not. Mistakes happen, but at least I know the difference between your and you're, and scrapper/scraper.  I have that knowledge and intelligence vs those who don't and should.]

Mobile phones scare me. That market has exploded to the point where they've become like a drug addiction.  Work in IT and you may have a different opinion.  Some days my phone is indispensable, other days I want to go somewhere with no cell service whatsoever and throw it into a river, because I'd probably be out enjoying nature instead.  Do I check my phone when others are around?  Yes, and I am sometimes ashamed of that.  If I attend an event, though, I make a concerted effort to not have my phone in front of me at all times.  I want to be in the moment, enjoying the company of humans.  Whatever is happening on FB or Twitter can be read later.

People in SJ need serious driving help. I'm starting to think everyone should be re-tested every 5-10 years.  Included should be a module on freeway driving.  Most SJers have never driven a freeway. If they had, they'd be better drivers.  I wouldn't have to anticipate braking in the left lane, people cutting me off, abnormal speed up & down, etc.

Mitt Romney and the Republican party scare me.  Democrats scare me too, but nowhere near as much as the Romney/Ryan ticket.  The guy actually said he didn't know why airplane windows don't open, and yet I have friends who practically insist that Obama is the devil. The USA needs serious help and bi-partisanship, but they just keep getting worse and worse. This is important to me because I assume I'll end up living there in the future.  I'm just not sure I'll want to if it keeps going down the crapper. They desperately need a revolution.

At the rate North America is going, we soon won't have anyone who wants to be a teacher anymore.  Teachers continually get low pay and disrespect.  Parents who expect school to raise their child.  Kids who don't see any value in an education. Pretty soon the drive to pass on knowledge and make a difference will be outweighed by the fact that you can't afford to live on that salary, and the mental drain of trying to keep the ship upright will be too much.  I have no idea how teachers do it without ending up in a mental institution.  It makes me want to cry.

These are some of the things on my mind lately.  They scare me, and often make me want to curl up into a ball and not deal with the outside world. That statement is closer to the literal truth than you probably imagine.  I'm trying to fight through it, but it's difficult.  I haven't yet mastered the art of living my own life and doing the best I can.  Sometimes I see where all of this is going and wonder why I'm here?

Gun blame

With every gun-related crime, such as the Aurora, CO shootings early this morning, a rash of organizations calling for more gun control usually ensues.  The tendency is to blame the weapon rather than the user.  “Well, if he didn’t have access to guns, he wouldn’t have hurt as many people.”  Possibly true, but if he wasn’t mentally disturbed in some way, he wouldn’t have used any weapon to hurt anyone.

 

Restricting guns further just punishes the rest of the population who respect weapons and use them responsibly.  People who use guns to inflict harm usually obtain them illegally.  They don’t normally walk in with their permit, go through the mandatory waiting period, and then go on a shooting rampage at a movie theatre.  What I’d like to know is how the CO shooter obtained an “AK-style” weapon. I assume he obtained it illegally, so in my opinion, the black market shares responsibility for that shooting.  What are we doing to combat the black market, underground weapons industry?  If this guy had come in to the theatre and started slicing people instead of shooting, would we be calling for knife control? [Guessing “knife control” has already happened somewhere, just don’t have time to research it.]

 

It all boils down to a simple concept: we can’t disinvent guns.  It’s as though anti-gun supporters think if we can restrict guns, then maybe we can reverse their invention and not have to worry about the problem.  Sorry, but we can’t go back in time.  We have to deal with the problem we’re dealt.  I don’t know what that answer is, but I’m not going to blame the gun for the crime of the person.

 

 

Side note: why is this the second mass-tragedy incident in CO in recent times?  Is it just a coincidence, or is there something wrong in Colorado?

2012 to date

2012 is almost halfway through. The year itself still seems like a futuristic number that is way off in the distance.  I remember writing 1983 on a workbook in school, which is now “a long time ago.”

2012 started off with my aunt not doing so well health-wise. She has complained of liver trouble for years, but never really showed deterioration in that respect.  At Christmas, she had started to gain fluid around her ankles.  By the end of February, she was quite jaundiced and unable to get around very much.  She passed away on April 22.  It happened so quickly that I’m still finding it hard to accept as reality some days.  At the funeral, her friends told me that she spoke of me, they knew who I was.  For someone with 6 grandchildren and some great-grandchildren, I find it odd that she would have spoken enough about me for it to be memorable.  John would probably say that yes, my aunt did think I was special.  I don’t disagree with that, I guess it’s just that I didn’t realize the magnitude.

I’m dealing with the loss as best I can. It’s tough not having that remaining connection to Nana, as well as the connection to a lady who had such a wonderful smile, big hugs, and lots of love.  I can’t think or talk too much about it or I start to cry.  So much knowledge, experience, intelligence is now gone because she passed away.  I have been learning to deal with death better than I have in the past, but I still can’t get over the “never able to speak to them again” factor.  So many times I’ve caught myself saying I should ask a grandparent or aunt about something, only to have it hit me again that they’re gone. It’s hard.  It makes me think about how my parents won’t be around forever, and then I get really upset.

Moving on…

One of the good things that came out of my aunt's illness was that it forced me to begin a family photo scanning project I had been meaning to get to for quite a while.  When we went to visit my aunt in February, she made sure I got my scanning done of the pictures from her library.  After multiple hours at her condo, with much appreciated help from John, we got everything from her pile that I wanted copies of scanned in and saved to Dropbox. I took some additional albums home with me, ones that had been my grandfather's, and finished those in March and April.  I borrowed my Dad's MFP for that project and it worked well.  Next fall/winter, when Dad is away and I can again borrow the MFP, I plan on tackling some of my own library.  It's been quite an experience, seeing photos of my grandparents and parents that I had never seen before. Having everything scanned in makes things very easy to access, and there are no worries over having to make copies or split up the originals.  Storing them on Dropbox means I don't have to worry about hard drive crashes.  It's been a learning experience, seeing the past in various stills: wishing some things were the same, glad others are different.

It’s hard to combat lethargy in the winter, but I had a couple of informal New Year’s resolutions this year.  One, to not leave dishes piled in the sink for too long.  Two, to be more active instead of huddling on the couch to avoid being cold.  I’m happy to report that I’ve been successful at both.  Dishes still pile up, but not for as long as they did in the past.  On the activity part, I started Zumba. I’ve tried many different ways to exercise without boredom, and this is the first one I’ve actually stuck with.  It’s fun, not too demanding, and unlike a dance class, I don’t have to perfect steps or practice.  I go for an hour twice a week, and so far my blood pressure has improved due to the aerobic activity (though this was never an issue for me in the past).  I also walk in the mornings on the treadmill, and walk outside at lunch provided it’s sunny and not winter.  This is probably the most active I’ve ever been in my life.  It hasn’t really translated into weight loss because I still have bad eating habits, but at least I am getting out and doing something I enjoy.

2012 has either been very kind to my friends, or totally kicked them in the ass.  I had quite a few friends move to bigger, nicer houses; a baby was born; a wedding; new jobs and career paths for others.  Then there are the friends who seemed to get the short end of the stick this year: one has cancer, another a rotten roof that cost $25k to fix, and another who reached a scary personal crossroads.  I want so much to wave that magic wand and fix things for them, but until I get some superpowers, I’ll have to help in other ways. 

2012 has yielded some changes for me at work, but sometimes I fear not enough… that’s all I can say about that.  I’m still wondering what I want to be when I grow up.  If I’ve [unconsciously] chosen this path of career over children, shouldn’t I be working toward making money for myself vs someone else?  Why aren’t I doing something I love, something I’m passionate about… but what would that be?  Starting to ask some questions I never thought I’d pose of myself, and some of the same questions I've been struggling with for a long time.  Work probably takes up 90% of my thought time, which probably explains why I feel so tired.

On the hobby front, I’m back in the swing of knitting after a long hiatus.  I think it was a good break. I’m trying now to focus on projects I actually want to do, with skill levels that aren’t too demanding.  I’m quite proud of the scarf I knit for John… despite it being wool and too itchy for him to wear.  I still need to try a wool soak and see if that makes any difference.  That’s what happens when you don’t pay attention to your husband saying “don’t make it out of wool, it’s too itchy.”  But it’s a nice-looking scarf, if I do say so myself.  Lately I’ve been working on some baby blankets. I knit one and sent it to my cousin in BC. I  am working on one for a pregnant lady at work.  I picked up more yarn last weekend, this time light purple, to knit up another blanket for another cousin.  After that, I may take a stab at some mittens.  I’ve shied away from knitting anything more for my nephews since the "sad sweater," but mittens are something that can be useful and you don’t have to worry about them as a fashion statement.

My goddaughter, who is also a first cousin, just graduated from high school this week. I had no doubt that she would achieve this, but I am still proud of her.  She looked so beautiful in her prom dress that it almost made me cry.  I can't wait to see her get through university (she's chosen science) and to see what she does next.

People ask me what's new with me, and I always reply: "not much."  I look at what's gone on so far this year, and it doesn't seem like much to me, but I've managed to write a long blog about it.  Guess I've been doing something with my time.

Dear PEI Gov't

I've spent way too much time trying to make your tax-on-tax with exceptions work properly. Hours and hours and hours I've devoted to trying to get it straight. It's too complicated. Just switch to HST already.

Spend your money where it is earned

A friend of mine just posted a comment about how SJ could get a big boost if more people consciously chose to spend money within the city, and how he thinks weekly trips to Calais are ridiculous. This coming from a person who chooses to live outside the city boundaries, pays significantly less in taxes, and yet comes into the city to work and use our roads, waterways, police and fire coverage, etc. I think his statement was very hypocritical, but not being a good debater, I am not prepared to engage him in conversation on it.

I have the right to spend money where I get good service. If I weren't verbally abused at Canadian Tire for trying to use a coupon to buy batteries, maybe I'd shop there more often. Why should I go to the local telecomm store, spend $30 on a car charger for a cell phone, and have to wait in line at a store with TVs blaring and a display phone going off in my ear, while not being able to understand the cashier who is mumbling at the desk in a feeble attempt at communicating with me? No thanks. I'll buy it for $5 on Amazon and pick it up in Calais.

This week, I rewarded a local store with my business because they treated me well. They had the lowest price, did not overcharge me with delivery fees, and had the item in stock and would be delivered in two days. I probably could have gotten it sooner if I was able to pick it up myself. I'm happy to give that company my money because they earned it. Compared this to the big-box chains who only had display models and nothing in stock, would take 10-14 days for ordering and delivery, and didn't seem to know much about their product or even care.

Everyone has the right to spend their hard-earned dollar wherever they choose. Buying milk in Calais isn't what's breaking SJ's bank. It's the people who escape the taxes who are. If the outlying community residents all had to pay into SJ's tax system, think of how much lower it could be, how many more services we could provide, and possibly how much better a shape we'd be in. But the Valley residents never want to admit this. They choose to live outside the city and then complain that the city sucks, but never do anything concrete to help it. I'm tired of hearing you complain. If you care about SJ, then move back within the boundary and help us recover by paying your share.

Heavy

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders again. I go through phases where, if I pay too much attention to current events, it will send me into a tailspin of depression. It seems like everywhere I turn there is bad news of varying degrees. Our stove broke this week, forcing us to spend $1100 we weren't expecting (but thankfully had savings to cover). A micro issue compared to hunger in the Horn of Africa, some of my co-workers losing their jobs, my near-bankrupt city, cruise ships falling over and people dying, massive landslides in Colombia... the list goes on.

I like to think that I'm a caring person. I want to help people. I love the feeling of doing good in someone else's life, of making a difference. But sometimes I feel like the scene from JCS where the people are clamoring for him, and he just can't help everyone, and it becomes overwhelming.

The only way I survive sometimes is to tune it out. This makes me look uninformed, immature, and selfish. What people don't understand is the magnitude of how I internalize these problems, and yes, allow them to overwhelm me. But if I don't, then I don't care, and that isn't good either. I either suck for not caring, or suck for not becoming an aid worker. Kind of a lose-lose situation. No wonder I can get depressed from it.

I'm reminded of May from the Secret Life of Bees, and her wailing wall. I could probably use one of those.

State of the City

The city of SJ is in very bad shape. The Mayor and most of council are unable to make the hard decisions to keep us afloat, and I have to wonder how much longer it will be before we have to declare bankruptcy. We can't afford to fund the municipal pension plan, nor make any decisions to bring that plan more in line with reality. Our roads are never proactively maintained, thus in very rough shape. We just had to cut multiple fire and police positions. Many community organizations have lost their grant money.

The current city council voted for the construction of a new police and justice building, which is costing the city millions of dollars, and now we've also decided to cut police and fire services. Perhaps the police staff would have happily put up with their old building had they known the alternative would mean sacrificing jobs. A new building is great if you can afford it. As a city, we can't. Yet council went ahead and did it anyway.

Personally, I'm in my second year of no raise, not even a small amount for cost of living. My company's sick time policy is changing to deal with the abuse, but at the same time, will end up making things worse by encouraging sick people to come in to the office (like the person a few cubicles over making horrible coughing noises as I type this). Companies everywhere are cutting spending, and laying off staff. Am I happy to see the tax rate stay steady? Of course, but that doesn't mean we're not getting screwed some other way.

I have always jokingly asked the question of why I live here, to which I respond with many valid reasons. But now I wonder if it isn't time to start seriously thinking it through.

Christmas as an adult

This comic made me laugh and think. Hover your mouse over the picture for a hidden comment bubble from the author.

Adults tend to have this view of Christmas. Every year we wish for the magic and joy of Christmases from our childhood. Instead, we get grouchy and bah humbug after cleaning the house, baking treats, buying presents for people who send wish lists after you've finished shopping, etc. There are a lot of negatives to this season, and adults usually end up concentrating on most of them. Yet, we keep doing the same "traditions" every year. It's like the definition of insanity: we keep doing the same things and hope for a different result. Maybe this year I'll get the X I always wanted. Maybe this year I'll get that old Christmas joy feeling back. The older I get, the harder it seems to be to recreate that pure joy I used to get as a kid. Given that my mother isn't going to come over and do everything for me, I don't expect that back. But some other parts would be nice. Gone are the times where I'd sit near the tree and read. I'm too busy now.

So why do we keep doing it? Why not throw everything aside and head to Hawaii? Are you afraid you'll miss that one year where it becomes magical again? I guess we hang on to these things because the glimmer of hope is still there for the Best Christmas Ever.

In the end, I think the secular part of Christmas is for the kids. They get the most joy and long-lasting memories. Since I don't have any kids, I can't share in that joy. If I were around my nephews more often, I would probably be more into it.

But no matter how much it makes logical sense to do so, I can't let go of my own traditions.

Disappointing

Since my grandparents passed away, my mother's side of the family makes a point of having a family get-together for Christmas. This year, the usual host has been busy with health issues on her husband's side of the family, and understandably can't host. No one else can or will step up to the plate, so it looks like there won't be a party this year. I think this will be the first year ever that I won't see them before Christmas.

When my grandparents were still alive, there was a lot of activity on that side of the family. We did a LOT together. Since they passed, events have been few and far between, not having the Grammy & Grampy glue to hold us together. That makes this Christmas party even more significant: it's one of the few times we do get together now.

I wish I could step up to the plate and host, but I have two problems: my house is small, and we're talking about 40 people. Second, my aunts do not like cats, and I have Romy. Had the usual host notified us sooner that she would be unable to host this year, we could have suggested an alternate venue. There are also some family politics involved that included people not wanting to suggest they take over the party this year for fear of angering the usual host.

My family, for many years, was the host of the party. My other grandparents, who lived behind us, were always included as well. Those were the "golden years": the happiest times burned in my brain. An incredible amount of work for my mother, who cooked until her arms fell off, but enjoyed hosting her family.

This is a tradition that I will really miss this year. I am very disappointed, but am making an effort to not be too whiny about it. I have family, friends, health, food, shelter. I'm lucky where many others are not. I will try to keep that in mind, and make plans to visit everyone on Boxing Day.

UPDATE 12/18: the party has been rescheduled for Boxing Day. Not ideal as others now have plans that can't be broken, but at least some of us can spend some time together. A few aunts and uncles came down for mass this morning and then we went to lunch, so I was able to exchange gifts and spend a short time with them before the big day.

Even if it is partially my fault,

I'm tired of dealing with you, asshole, and your asshole way of doing things. Wish I could punch you in the face.

20 years in

20 years ago today, Mum, younger brother ("A"), and I went to Calais for the day. A started getting incredibly thirsty, and kept drinking and drinking and drinking. It was out of character for him, and when we got home, Mum took him to the hospital. A was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic.

As an 11 year old kid, being diagnosed a diabetic 2 days after Halloween is the highest level of Morissette irony, and my brother loved his candy. It was a bumpy road to get adjusted to that lifestyle at such a young age. He's gone through many trials and tribulations, added some extra diseases along the way, and has had numerous hospital stays, though none directly related to diabetes.

He's had some very positive experiences though. Joslin Diabetes Center is a world-class facility in Boston. They have done more for him than anyone around here, and A is probably at the level where he could teach others. We were so fortunate to have the money to send him there and get the testing and training to better manage his conditions. I wish that could be an option for everyone.

Mum has been instrumental in keeping A on track, her medical background helping immensely. Even now, he and she still discuss his various issues. Mum has spent years helping him learn to take his insulin, regulate his diet, keep records of his blood sugar, tend to him during his hospital stays... I can't possibly total all of the things she's done to help him along the way, but she's an integral part in why he's as healthy as he is today. I hope he fully realizes that.

I hope he can keep up-to-date on the islet transplant trials, and that eventually he may qualify. He was so disappointed when he was told he wasn't going to be part of the trial, but I have hope that they will expand over time.

I'm glad he's still around, and I love him.

It's probably me that's the problem

Tonight was the pumpkin carving party -- my 9th. Every year I seem to push myself to make it as "perfect" as I can. I bake more, I decorate more, I clean more. This year I put in a crap-ton of effort: 2 straight out days of cleaning, baking, and setup, on top of the shopping, preparing, and decorating I've been doing all month. I enjoy it, but I wouldn't go to all this effort for just myself.

Based on the replies to my invitation, I figured I had about 20 people coming this year. Seemingly more than usual. That made me very happy, as well as concerned that I'd have enough snacks for everyone. I'm of the belief that if you throw a party where you tell people you're providing food, you do more than just chips in a bowl. So, I shopped and baked accordingly.

How many people actually showed up? 9. Those 9 people were quite happy to be here, but I couldn't help but be disappointed about the other 11 who were sick, had to back out for stated reasons, or just plain didn't show up or notify me. To top that off, the weather was particularly bad today, and that likely encouraged people to stay home.

I will grant you that I am a bit too focused on the people who weren't here vs the happy people who did come and enjoyed themselves. I'm not angry at anyone: shit happens, I get that. Maybe I just try to do too much, try to make it too special. Or maybe people just don't get how much work and effort I put into making this a fun event. Maybe if they knew that, they wouldn't just not show up.

The question is: do I put in less effort next time, knowing that I expect too much of people?

Materialism, School, Traffic, Reading, and Being in Pathetic physical condition

I wish I could stop comparing my material wealth with those around me. All it serves is to make me feel bad; it's not like the others know or care. I need to learn to be happy with what I have and thankful that I am as fortunate as I am. This is one of those life-long lessons that I may never master, but I need to keep trying. Material wealth is not important, and I need to get that through my head.

I really don't give a shit about kids going to school. If they actually learned grammar and how to read, and graduated as intelligent individuals, then maybe I'd give a crap. But most of them will grow up to be entitled-feeling drains on society. Hard to get excited when education is a farce; misguided goals and no money.

[My comment above was supposed to mean that it's a farce to think the same standard of education can be delivered with fewer & fewer resources, and the misguided goals meaning spelling, grammar, and literacy falling by the wayside. It was not supposed to imply that teachers suck.]

I do care that school will add traffic to an already congested roadway and will force me to get up before dawn to eventually get to work on time. Construction continues on the bridge I take daily, with huge inefficiencies in traffic management. "Let's close an exit and then not change the traffic light pattern at the 2nd exit to account for an increase in the number of cars!" "Let's force cars to line up for over a mile in single-file rather than use both lanes to the merge point!" "While the bridge is under construction, let's also fix this overpass and add to the congestion, but make sure you don't work past 4pm!" "Let's ignore the fact that the speed limit is reduced to 70 near the overpass construction even when no one is there working, how's that for efficiency!" The city and province are horrible at traffic management. I guess they figure we "don't have much traffic" so why would we need to make alterations? They end up making things worse. There are still few traffic lights in our city with sensors. "Too expensive." I'm sure things are looking really nice in our new Police Palace though.

My reading tastes are changing. Probably a result of being in a couple of book clubs. I'm enjoying historical fiction more lately. I'm fascinated by the past and what it was like to live in those times. I often wish I could just step into the past for a visit, to see in-person what things looked like. I wouldn't want that to be my daily reality, but it would be very interesting to see.

I've started back on a goal of 10000 steps a day. Haven't managed 100% of days, but on the days where I've made an effort, I'm succeeding. Walking doesn't do a whole lot for weight loss, but I am at least getting some form of exercise and not sitting on the couch all the time. Not that you'd know it after my 2-day muscle burn from Saturday night candlepin bowling. It's pretty sad when I bowl for a couple of hours and then it takes at least 2 days before my thighs feel like they're not screaming every time I go up or down stairs.

Flight stress, perfectionism, and other ideas

I spent roughly 12h this week deciphering, planning, choosing options, and finally booking flights for an upcoming trip to the US. I had a 15% off coupon which expired Monday. Though part of this trip is work-related, I thought I'd save both me and work some money and perhaps earn some brownie points. Given the expiry date, I spent most of those hours on Monday trying to get a combination of flights that would work for us.

Problem #1: Coupon was no good on a multi-city flight. We need to leave home, fly to Eastern US, then to the West coast, then home. Air Canada doesn't fly between points in the US, so that meant I had to use the multi-city option, or book two one-way flights. Either way, I would have only been able to use the coupon once.

Problem #2: After deciding to split it into two one-way flights in order to use the coupon, and applying the coupon to my order, Air Canada removed the option to purchase a lounge pass for our 3h stopover in Toronto. If I removed the coupon, the lounge pass option came back. I picked up the phone and called to ask why, again, they won't take my money. After being on hold for a while I gave up. The coupon was only going to save me $100 total and by 11pm Monday night I had had enough and it wasn't worth it anymore.

Problem #3: Between Monday and Wednesday, one of the flight legs went up $150 per person. I not only gave up the $100 coupon savings, but also increase the overall cost by $300. At this point, I was ready to smash something. The pre-dawn flight was still at the lesser rate, as was the late-night flight, but I wanted to go in the middle of the day, at a reasonable hour, on a Sunday. Waiting two days to plan appropriately and determine other options equaled punishment by having to pay a lot more than anticipated.

Problem #4: Air Canada seems to force me into making snap decisions if I want to save money. "Grab it when you see it" is not something I can usually do. My husband thinks I take too much time and effort into getting the perfect/right answer, and there is some truth to that, but read the fine print. Ticket change fees have now doubled and are $150 per person. If I hadn't taken the time to make sure we got the exact flights we needed, I ran the risk of paying another $300 to make changes. $300 was the cost of flying from SoCal to home, so that's a pretty significant chunk.

Air travel has become a stress-inducing activity. It's difficult to book what you want, when you want, for a reasonable price. It has gotten to the point where Aeroplan (Air Canada's flight reward program) has become so limited that it's not worth my time to check for a points flight if I have any kind of schedule to adhere to. Since I'm not retired nor do I own my own business, I have a limited amount of vacation time and have to fly after work/on weekends.

We have a wedding to attend in mid-January. I thought this would be an easy time to fly, points should be available since it's after Christmas and a quiet time. My plan was to leave Friday night after work, and return home Sunday afternoon. Checking Aeroplan yielded some of the worst options I've ever seen. The only option for the times I specified was from SJ->Halifax (4h drive from home)->Moncton (1.5h drive from home)->overnight Moncton-Montreal. There was obviously no human logic component to these flight choices. Why would anyone want to fly to Halifax, back to NB, stay overnight 1.5h away, and then get up before dawn the next morning to go to Montreal? If I thought it would do any good, I'd call Aeroplan and complain that that should not be an available option. So in the end, for a short-haul flight, normally 15000 points per ticket, the only decent options available cost 50000 points per ticket. I only have 41000 points right now.

It's hard to get a deal when you have a set schedule, and yet I keep trying. I guess I should value my time and stress levels more. I'm also not sure why I bust my ass trying to get Aeroplan points when I can never use them for actual travel.

I have Air Miles, which is a different loyalty program, and almost enough to get two flights to Montreal in January. I would have to pay a small fee to top up, but can probably get us two tickets for $400. I think I need to start putting more effort into Air Miles and less into Aeroplan.

Soft-where?

I've been staring at this list of 130+ software issues for 3 days now. In some cases, literally just staring. Most of these have been outstanding for over 2 years. We've been promised changes, but yet here I still am with pretty much the same list. It's been a very lethargic week for me, I barely feel like typing keys. It's no wonder given that we continue to have the same problems and never see any real resolutions.

I've decided it's time to stop being Ms. Nice Girl and to make sure the writing is on the wall. If we decide to quit this software, we have to give a year's notice that we're leaving. I think I'd like to make sure the Big Cheese states that next week during the software company visit.

I'm tired. This software is draining me mentally and physically, and if significant changes aren't going to be made, then I don't want to devote my energy to it anymore. If I could see that good things were coming, that a couple of upgrades would solve the majority of our problems, then maybe I'd be excited and optimistic. I passed that point a while ago.

I still don't have the upgrade I was promised last September. I only recently got over some very large problems with a seemingly minor upgrade. This doesn't make me excited to move forward, even though the changes in the new version do look positive.

I thought the management changes would help the software become better. It seems this company has continued to employ the wrong people. Despite laying off quality long-tenured staff, they managed to keep the primary development and programming people who continue to keep the product mired in "why would we change that" land. I guess no one else complains, or complains enough, but I know we can't be the only company experiencing certain problems.

If you sell a physical product, inventory is one of, if not the most, important aspect of point-of-sale software. You simply must know how much of something you have so you know what you can sell. No sales = no money. Simple concept. Yet I have continued to express how unreliable the inventory system is, how much better their other software is/was at inventory, and have suggested they look to that to solve what I think is the most important issue. I keep talking to a brick wall, because the development staff are too close to the product to admit that it was crap, and it's based on a product that has been crap for over 20 years.

I'm really feeling lost this week. I feel like I have no hope. Since I don't have children and not much in the way of extracurricular activities, work is a large part of my life. So this is dragging me down a lot more than it would other people. I just want to curl up in a ball and escape from it.

No celebrating here, apparently

I've been working very hard on trying to fix a software issue. It's been 2.5 months and I'm exhausted and very close to being burnt out. I had a conference call today with the right person at the right time, and the small changes that were made fixed the problem. I asked my users to log out and back in, and tell me how it was. Out of approximately 200 users, I've had one phone call and 3 email replies. So 4 people cared about it enough to tell me it was better.

IT is a thankless job. I wasn't expecting praise; it technically wasn't me who fixed it. I did expect those who constantly complained about how slow it was to at least take a minute to tell me it was better. Guess I overestimated them.

I feel like I'm celebrating alone, and that puts a damper on what I feel is a major accomplishment. If no one cares enough to tell me, then why have I been busting my ass for the past 2 months trying to get it fixed?

Quest

I'm headed to a luncheon today for our hospital's Auxiliary association. Last year I felt underdressed in my usual casual pants and tops. Having not worked uptown in years, I ditched my suits for clothes more suitable to crawling around on the floor fixing PCs. My old suits were donated, either being outdated or too small. This left me with no suits, and after my grandfather's death, scrambling to find something to wear. Jenn helped me find a suit then, at a great price, on very short notice. In Florida this spring, she again found me a great deal on a gray suit for me to add to my navy suit. So gray-suited I went to work today, along with my new hooded trenchcoat -- a purchase I made after standing in freezing cold wet weather at the top of a hill for my uncle's funeral. My husband found that coat for me, a good blend of stylish but practical. Not quite as dressy as my old coat, but I will get more use out of it.

The only problem I'm having today is my usual problem: shoes.

Quite a while ago, I bought a pair of black leather pumps with a patterned patent toe, simple but not plain, and not too likely to be dated. At the time of trying them on, I thought my usual size seemed too short, so I went up a 1/2 size. I now know that was a poor choice. As a result, these shoes are just a bit loose because the leather has stretched, and they always hurt my feet. I keep them and use them because I haven't been able to find anything better, and when I do wear them, it's usually for such a limited time that I can deal with the discomfort.

I've been on a quest to find a replacement for these shoes. The only pair of basic black pumps I've found recently are Stuart Weitzman pumps, which although they come in my size, are often too high, too expensive, or both. "Chicpump" is a nice shoe, not as appealing to me as my current shoe, but would do as a replacement. At this point, I'd probably pay the exorbitant $300, but the only choice is suede, which is utterly useless when you live in a wet climate. I've ordered and tried other pairs, so far no luck. My choices are limited and if I have to spend $200-300 on shoes, I'd better damn well like them enough to keep them for years.

My dilemma this morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, is that I don't have a comfortable shoe that goes with a suit to wear for the rest of the workday. I don't like driving in heels, and I do not have any flat black leather shoes: another quest I have been on for a while. There are fewer choices in flats, being not as popular as heels. Any flats I find seem to always have a damn bow on them. I don't want bows. What's the deal with bows? Others aren't dressy, have an open-toe so aren't all-season, or some other ugly attribute. And this is after expanding my search to sizes that aren't really going to fit me. I ended up wearing shoes that aren't really meant to be worn with a skirt, but I can't torture my feet all day.

The quest for shoes is a difficult one when you don't have normal feet.

Observation

You don't fully realize how pathetically annoying you were after a big break-up until you start seeing the tweets of someone who obviously just broke up with their significant other. You're 19, it's not the end of the world, give it a rest.

To make up for being hypocritical, I would now like to apologize for 2004. :D

Getting older and not more valuable

Today is my husband's 40th birthday. (Happy birthday, honey.) My mother, upon learning this, commented that we [her children & their spouses] are all getting old.

My husband was watching a cartoon TV show where there was a flashback to the '60s and I asked if the '60s characters were the main characters' parents. He said, "grandparents". I did the math, and yeah, I guess that's right.

Not sure why, but I seem to be having a hard time remembering that I'm not the youngest adult generation out there anymore. I have relatively little responsibilities compared to my peers with kids, so maybe that is partly why. I am in good health, and have had some minor physical changes, but overall I'm pretty much the same.

In a culture that promotes youth and treats age like a disease, it's hard to get excited about getting older. It seems the greater your age, the less relevant you are in the eyes of today's North American society. So while I don't care that my age is x, and shouldn't care what anyone else thinks either, I know the irrelevancy train is going to slam into me sooner or later.

There are a lot of birthday cards with "getting older" jokes, but not a lot of "young & stupid". How about more of those, because there are some truly stupid young people out there today. I was careful not to get "over the hill" messages included in John's birthday party tonight. I think that is a negative and mean-spirited message that promotes our youth-based culture.

I wish we could trade in this part of our society for one which values its elders. Maybe then getting older wouldn't be a joke.

Life: boring & "real"

So far this year I've read 3 biographies: one of Cleopatra, an autobiography of Agatha Christie, and am in the middle of an autobiography of Tim Rice. Reading biographies isn't a usual choice for me, but as I grow older, I find that my literary choices are changing*.

Reading biographies is an interesting view into someone's life, but also an easy way to see how dull your life can be in comparison, and how bad your memory is for past events (provided you don't keep a diary or journal). I could pretty much sum up my life thus far into a few bullet points:

Born
Did well in school academically
Got a university degree
Failed CA
Had a couple of serious relationships
Had 2 jobs: one in accounting and one in IT
Got married
Adopted a cat

That's pretty much it. I can flesh out some of those topics some more, but it wouldn't be the subject of a book that anyone would care to read.

This is, in part, why I can't understand the viability of the Real Housewives TV series, Jersey Shore, The Hills, or any other slice-of-life "reality" TV show. It's obvious that the "events" which happen to these people are fictional, because otherwise they'd be as boring as me. Who watches these shows? Is life so bad for you that you have to live vicariously through fictional characters? I don't feel the need to supplement my life by watching fake life pretending to be real. I'm growing increasingly tired of seeing episode recaps of these shows on websites, I skip past them as fast as possible.

The truth is that most of us aren't all that special. When today's parents attempt to brag about their child reading at an earlier-than-average age, or walking sooner than most, etc., I can't help but chuckle a bit. Your kid probably isn't anything special, and lots of kids learned to do those things early (my mother says I read her the obits when I was 4). I will admit, I am not a parent, and if I was, I'd probably brag right along with the rest of them.

I was a fan of reality TV when it began. It was fun at first, but I grew out of it. I wish the rest of America would do the same.



*Not that I intend to make a habit out of reading biographies, as I can't say I've loved what I've read to date. Jury is still out on the third, but it's the best so far.