Feeling useful

I scroll by those posts on Facebook, the ones designed to gather and sell Likes with their pithy quotes.  I saw one this morning, however, that has stuck with me all day: People need to feel useful.  Consider that akin to the phrase most often used during tragedy: “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”  I think this hits the nail on the head as far as some of my relationships go, and one relationship in particular.  I don’t feel useful to that person anymore. They don’t need my skills, my input, or really my presence. I don’t think we have any animosity, but I don’t feel like they need me for anything at all.  I guess that’s why I’m not included in much of their life anymore.

On the other extreme is being used.  Some people will take all that you give, and then take more.  I’ve had relationships where I wanted people to like me, so I gave of myself, only to realize later that they were just using me to get what they needed without providing me with anything in return.

So I am not advocating people who are users.  But think about those in your life, what skills they have, and whether you’ve taken them up on their offers lately.  While some friends haven’t needed me around, others have asked for me to join them but I’ve been too busy to take part.  So I’m making an effort at carving out some time for those who appreciate having me around, and will attempt to worry less about those who don’t.

The reprieve

The sun came out, and she decided it may be one of the last times she could take advantage of it. She walked down to the beached dock and sat, examining rocks, listening to the water, enjoying the scenery. She still had problems, but they were somehow dulled by the calm surroundings and the warmth of the sun. A friend came down, and they talked alone for a while, something they hadn't done for what felt like a long time. More friends joined in, and laughs were had. The friends moved back to the house, but she stayed on the dock, soaking up as much of the sun's energy as she could. She could have stayed there all night, continuing that feeling of relaxation that she hadn't felt in months. No one would have minded if she'd stayed, but she knew she'd have to get home eventually.  She drove home in a good mood, feeling generally calmer and stronger about her problems. The reprieve was good. Maybe everything would be ok after all.

Then she arrived home.

Her husband had hurt himself while she was gone. His back was throbbing and he was unable to move freely. The following two days were stressful as they dealt with drives to the hospital, doctors,  intense pain, and medications.  She missed a day of work due to exhaustion and her husband needing her assistance.  Though she informed her boss that she was taking her husband to the ER, there were no kind words offered, only accusations about a problem that she didn't know existed. More accusations followed from others. She discovered one of her employees had done something known to be off-limits, and the disappointment and frustration continued to mount. At the same time, she managed to disappoint someone very close to her because she was too busy concentrating on her own problems.  She came home crying and shaking, yet again feeling like a breakdown was imminent. She knows this can't continue, and that change is needed for the sake of her mental health.  But she fears change greatly and seems immobilized with indecision. She feels she will never get things figured out.

The reprieve already feels so long ago that she wonders if she'll ever feel it again. She hopes so.

New cat buddy

I take walks on my lunch hour around the neighborhood near my office.  I often run across cats, but lately hadn't seen my usual white/orange cat buddy from last summer, nor has the all-orange cat made many appearances either.  Today I met a new cat buddy on my walk.  I called her over (assuming female, but wasn't sure), not expecting anything, but she ran right over.  Very sweet and loving, and her markings are really nice.  She really enjoyed my petting.  At one point she even got up on a higher part of the wall, jumped up on her hind legs and put her paws on my shoulder, and rubbed her head on me!  I would have taken her home in a heartbeat.  She looked well-fed enough to have a home, though.  She walked down the street with me for a while, but stopped around the end of the property, so likely belongs to the house I was walking past.

Morning walk photos

I've dropped off on my photo project because I got busy, and I also found that some of the prompts were repeating. I haven't given it up entirely, just haven't had much enthusiasm for it in recent weeks.

I did, however, snap a few pics along my morning walk last week.

I wish my camera could actually capture what I'm seeing. The raised peninsula is the Nature Park, and the water in front of the raised area was still and glassy. Must have been high tide for it to have been that smooth.

A tanker in the middle, and a cruise ship coming in to town on the left.

These two seagulls (I like to think they're the same two) seem to love sitting on this roof most mornings. I picture them as Frank and George, having their morning coffee.

Another attempt to get a shot of the cruise ship, in the middle of the shot. I had a better angle a couple of weeks ago because I was walking an hour later when the ship was closer, but the shot was poor quality from my phone.

Material Girl

I haven't been posting much on Facebook lately.  I draft a status, sit and look at it, and figure very few people will care. Or it will just get lost in the mountain of cat pictures, wine memes, and advertising.  So I'm going to hop over here and talk a bit about my day.

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. I had been holding it together pretty well, but after a discussion that involved the suggestion of many changes, I just snapped. I spent part of the morning crying, and the rest of the day feeling totally exhausted. Though things are moving quickly with the renovations after the sewage backup, it's evident that we'll still be taking a loss through this process. It makes you feel like all of your stuff, listed out on a spreadsheet, is pretty much worthless. It's old, you can't find an equivalent, it doesn't make sense to replace it, it might get depreciated to the point where it's not worth replacing.  Any way we look at it, we'll be paying extra to get back to "normal" even after insurance settles up.

In addition to that, I made the decision to try and rehome my childhood furniture, which when it goes will be a physical representation of "not having kids" that I was finding more upsetting than I realized. Despite being upset from that realization, it doesn't make me want to commit to doing the work involved to have kids. So there's a double whammy that feels like I'm letting someone or something down, admitting defeat, and/or being a failure.

I have a problem with material possessions. I find it incredibly difficult to let go of "stuff". I am not in hoarding territory, but I hang onto things and have an emotional attachment that is likely stronger than most.  I'm not sure where this comes from, since as a child I never wanted for anything. So I'm not making up for a life of loss in the material sense.  People say "it's just stuff," but when you have such a strong emotional attachment to something it also becomes a way to hang onto a memory. I think it's the memories I'm afraid of losing the most.

After getting that out today, I'm considering still moving forward with the decluttering. If I don't find new homes for the old "stuff" then I have no shot at gaining something better. Maybe what we choose to do in the basement bedroom will be way better and I won't miss my furniture at all. Or maybe I'll wish I had it for a spare room when we move to a different house some day. It's the fear that I'm making the wrong decision and can't ever recover from it that prevents me from doing a lot of things in life.

I had a conversation with friends a few years ago in which most of them said they had less fear and were more willing to try new things the older they got. I said the opposite: the older I get, the more fearful I become.  I still feel the same way, and that's probably quite sad.

So I'm not really in a good place today, combined with another struggle that plagues me on a daily basis, I feel like I'm a mess right now. I'm thankful for a loving husband and cats to help me through.

June photo Day 22: Enjoying Life

Now that our main reason for heading to Bangor was done (banking), we headed off for the fun portion of the trip: shopping.  Here's John having fun in Sam's Club (he seems to always be happy there) as he discovers the world's largest Post-It Note and a new technology called a "pocket" -- what will they think of next?

June photo Day 21: Lunchtime

At lunchtime that day, I was off for the afternoon and headed to Bangor with a stop in Calais for yummy sammiches at The Sandwich Man.  Unfortunately, The Sandwich Man was closed, and we ended up with a high-calorie yet unsatisfying meal at Burger King which I forgot to photograph.  What was more exciting and I did remember to snap was our dinner at Texas Roadhouse in Bangor.

June photo Day 18: Street

The request for the 18th was a streetscape, so I snapped one of Mount Pleasant as I went for my lunchtime walk.

June photo Day 17: Centred

Centred is a gate to a park that I walk by on my lunchtime walks.

June photo Day 16: Family

June was a bad month at work, and didn't leave me with much desire to take photos.  I did manage to get a couple in since the 9th, so I'll post those now.

The 16th was Father's Day, and I had planned on making a pie for my Dad.  Instead, I discovered our basement had flooded again.  John and I had to clean up the mess, so it was a family effort.

June photo Day 9: From down low

We have many large maple trees, so I took a shot from the base.

June photo Day 8: An animal

Caught a deer munching on some foliage at the Nature Park.

June photo Day 7: Bright

The flash shone brightly on my new co-worker's new monitor.

June photo Day 6: Transport

After days of walking, I finally caught a picture of a bus. Wasn't the bus I wanted, nor is it a great pic, but at least I finally got one.

June photo Day 5: Environment

This is the environment outside my office, which is basically a giant hole. The City has been doing water pipe replacement on Somerset St, which led to some unexpected extra work on Wellesley Ave.

June photo Day 4: After dark

"When the sun goes down, take a photo" is today's prompt.  This time of year, we're approaching the longest day, which means it's still not totally black out at 10pm.  One of the down sides to living here, says John, who prefers the sunset at a "decent hour."  Having lived here all of my life, I can't imagine summer without it.

My camera isn't the greatest, so I took a pic at dusk, which is technically after the sun went down, just not necessarily "after dark."

June photo Day 3: On my table

On our table today are a couple of new board games, and some fruit.

June photo Day 2: A moment

Sapphire got tired while playing trackball and fell asleep mid-game.

June photo Day 1: B is for...

B is for buds. Lilacs are in bud stage right now and will bloom shortly.

May photo Day 31: Four things

The intersection of four stones on a walkway.