I hate the feeling of unease that comes the morning after having a bad dream. Last night I dreamt that my father died, and it has left me feeling very uneasy this morning. What bothered me the most during the dream was that he had told me a bunch of things "in case something happens" that I was supposed to remember, but that I couldn't and was so upset that I was afraid I'd never recall them. Except for the dying part, the rest is pretty much accurate to "real life" in that he has told me a bunch of things, but because they are discussed in context of him leaving life some day, that part overwhelms my thoughts and I'm left not paying as close attention as I should. As much as I hate to say it, I think I will have to make a point of sitting down with him again and actually writing things down instead of trying to rely on my memory, which is proven to not be very good.
I live with a lot of fear every day about my parents leaving. I can't even type that line without tearing up. Most days I just stuff it down and try to get on with my day, convincing myself that I can't predict the future and for the most part, I likely have many more years with them because they're both in decent health. But I'm also too smart for my own good and know that tomorrow begins 2013, and none of us are immortal. It was hard enough for me when my grandparents died. I can't imagine a world without my parents, nor what my parents must go through not having their own parents around anymore. My Dad doesn't have anyone left from his immediate family since my aunt passed in April. My mom refers to herself sometimes as an orphan, I know she misses her mother deeply and I can't imagine the pain that she must feel from that.
Today, after that dream, the fear seems crippling. I'm crying at my desk again. Maybe blogging wasn't such a good idea after all? I'm better when I release emotion though; I'm not much good at keeping it in. Just wish I didn't have to cry at work since I never know when someone will walk in. Now I'm exhausted not only from the dream, but from the crying.
I have too much to do today to keep this up, so I will have to suck it up and move forward with my day. Hopefully writing the words down will help me stop running through them repeatedly in my head.
1 comment:
You are in my thoughts today as I know how difficult this kind of dream can be -- especially when it seems so real as to be real.
You are a lot stronger than you think you are and can handle a lot more than you think you can, but the death of a loved one is always almost more than anyone can endure. Somehow, we move through it and get on with life, but some days, how to do that can be more than we can bear.
Call your Dad today and tell him how much you love him!
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