Sometimes I just go and sit

I'm having one of those phases where I'm sad. Not for any one specific reason, though 2020 is enough all on its own. I'm melancholy. It's the type of time where you know if you could just have a gut-heaving cry, you'd probably feel better afterward. One of the side effects of the meds I am taking is that crying doesn't come as easily as it used to.

Knowing I was already sad, I decided to stop by and sit. Even though you can hear traffic, it's still SJ-level traffic and not that loud. Just the general sounds of a neighborhood around you. But the overall feeling is still one of peace and safety.

The paint on the front doors is peeling. There are pieces of shingles lying on the steps. Two of the stained glass windows have been boarded up, hopefully not because they were broken. I probably would have heard that if it had happened, though; word gets around in the Catholic community. The graveyard and shrine are still being looked after, likely by the school.

You can't go inside, but it wouldn't be the same anyway. The surviving church in our area took out anything of value. The pews were given to a church up north which had burned down but they're rebuilding. The organ found a new home.

From what I can tell, they're letting the rest of it crumble. I haven't heard any news on what they plan to do with it or the grounds, though I was told that the graveyard would be untouched. I'm not sure what I would hate more: watching it crumble, or watching it be demolished.

For now, it's still there, and it's still a place to find some peace when I need it.

Stop. Just stop.

Every so often, someone in my feed posts about St. Peter's. And then all the usual comments show up. 

 

"If people would just go to church, they wouldn't have to close." -- Well, yes, but times are changing. People don't want to go anymore. There's not going to be a miraculous regeneration of people coming to church. Crappy, but fact.

 

"There's nothing sad about another church closing; that's all I will say about that." followed by that person saying more, and the usual pro- and anti-religious retorts.

 

"OMG, the Catholic church is closing?" -- Uh yeah, it was two years ago, where were you when we needed you?

 

I'm still hurting. A lot. The closure was devastating to me. It was like a combination of losing your home and your family at the same time. Every time this comes up, I'm reminded of the loss. It's tiring. Especially when the comments just appear at random and I didn't have time to dodge them.