We have received your application for residency. We regret to inform you that the particular unit you have requested is not available at this time. The previous tenant unfortunately left the unit in an uninhabitable condition - broken, damaged, bruised and barely salvagable. Until such time as it has been repaired, we are unable to offer it for residency.
Please note that due to the damage caused by this previous tenant, we were forced to greatly increase our screening procedures to ensure that such extensive damage will not occur again in the future.
If by chance you would like to assist in the renovation of the unit in exchange for permanent residency, we may be able to accomodate you. Otherwise, please go f*** yourself.
Sincerely,
The Property Commission of the Heart of Liz
10 comments:
Except I have a weakness for resorting to cursing. Jay never curses on his blog. Actually I don't think I've ever heard him curse. You're a better person than me :)
There's an interesting idea, we should swap blogging styles. Jay, now you must blog on how much your mother hates you and why you love ham. I expect to see ham poetry on your blog before the party tomorrow.
hee hee, ham poetry.
If anyone could write poetry about ham, it would be him. Be my ham poetry hero!
Dear Madam,
The very fact you sent this letter indicates that the damage may not be as severe as you originally believed. I see humor, compassion, and intelligence within that belies the state of the overall residence.
The right tenant can likely renovate the roughest spots and get it to a habitable condition faster than you might now think. I highly recommend using strong references and checking with the Better Business Bureau or similar institutions and get a solid credit rating. You and any potential tenants who have passed your new, improved screening process can finish the work together using a mutually agreed upon color scheme. I also suggest rearranging your furniture to better service the feng shui of the residence.
Good luck,
Subcontracting Professional
Liz, you seem to have a proposition.
Dear Subcontracting Professional,
Your comments will be taken under advisement. The owner of the residence would like to inform you that she lies like a cheap rug. No applications have actually been made for residency so there is really no reason for the owner's letter other than to make the state of the residence public knowledge.
The screening process has become so rigorous that the residence may never have another tenant. This may result in less income, but no further damage to the property. Despite its vacancy and status as a fixer-upper, only one application has been made in the past year, but that application did not pass the screening process. It appears the residence is just not that appealing to potential tenants who have no interest in attending church as a requirement of residency. Unfortunate.
Color schemes are also part of the enhanced screening process, as the owner has a very low tolerance for the color brown and a penchant for purple. This often creates unreasonable grimaces from potential applicants.
Sincerely,
Property Commission
Dear Property Commission,
A more exhaustive and detailed inspection undertaken by the property owner may determine that the structural weaknesses of the domicile were not as severe as initially believed.
Notwithstanding predelictions on the part of the property owner toward the colour purple and against the colour brown, and in preference of a church-going tenant, the department of building inspections believes that the unit may be salvageable from its current situation.
Therefore, we refuse your request to have the property condemned, and urge you to invest in the appropriate upkeep. Appropriate maintenance will also, we remind you, scare off squatters; while simultaneously attracting a more desireable tenant.
Sincerely,
Chief Building Inspector
I think she just called me a deadbeat landlord... I'ma gonna kicka your ass! (in scott t's che italian accent)
i see no ham poem! liz, it's time to issue the challenge.
well, i'm off to find cobalt blue embossing powder and my notes on villannelles.
I'm confused, what are we talking about again? :P
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