Monday, July 22, 2013

Material Girl

I haven't been posting much on Facebook lately.  I draft a status, sit and look at it, and figure very few people will care. Or it will just get lost in the mountain of cat pictures, wine memes, and advertising.  So I'm going to hop over here and talk a bit about my day.

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. I had been holding it together pretty well, but after a discussion that involved the suggestion of many changes, I just snapped. I spent part of the morning crying, and the rest of the day feeling totally exhausted. Though things are moving quickly with the renovations after the sewage backup, it's evident that we'll still be taking a loss through this process. It makes you feel like all of your stuff, listed out on a spreadsheet, is pretty much worthless. It's old, you can't find an equivalent, it doesn't make sense to replace it, it might get depreciated to the point where it's not worth replacing.  Any way we look at it, we'll be paying extra to get back to "normal" even after insurance settles up.

In addition to that, I made the decision to try and rehome my childhood furniture, which when it goes will be a physical representation of "not having kids" that I was finding more upsetting than I realized. Despite being upset from that realization, it doesn't make me want to commit to doing the work involved to have kids. So there's a double whammy that feels like I'm letting someone or something down, admitting defeat, and/or being a failure.

I have a problem with material possessions. I find it incredibly difficult to let go of "stuff". I am not in hoarding territory, but I hang onto things and have an emotional attachment that is likely stronger than most.  I'm not sure where this comes from, since as a child I never wanted for anything. So I'm not making up for a life of loss in the material sense.  People say "it's just stuff," but when you have such a strong emotional attachment to something it also becomes a way to hang onto a memory. I think it's the memories I'm afraid of losing the most.

After getting that out today, I'm considering still moving forward with the decluttering. If I don't find new homes for the old "stuff" then I have no shot at gaining something better. Maybe what we choose to do in the basement bedroom will be way better and I won't miss my furniture at all. Or maybe I'll wish I had it for a spare room when we move to a different house some day. It's the fear that I'm making the wrong decision and can't ever recover from it that prevents me from doing a lot of things in life.

I had a conversation with friends a few years ago in which most of them said they had less fear and were more willing to try new things the older they got. I said the opposite: the older I get, the more fearful I become.  I still feel the same way, and that's probably quite sad.

So I'm not really in a good place today, combined with another struggle that plagues me on a daily basis, I feel like I'm a mess right now. I'm thankful for a loving husband and cats to help me through.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

June photo Day 22: Enjoying Life

Now that our main reason for heading to Bangor was done (banking), we headed off for the fun portion of the trip: shopping.  Here's John having fun in Sam's Club (he seems to always be happy there) as he discovers the world's largest Post-It Note and a new technology called a "pocket" -- what will they think of next?

June photo Day 21: Lunchtime

At lunchtime that day, I was off for the afternoon and headed to Bangor with a stop in Calais for yummy sammiches at The Sandwich Man.  Unfortunately, The Sandwich Man was closed, and we ended up with a high-calorie yet unsatisfying meal at Burger King which I forgot to photograph.  What was more exciting and I did remember to snap was our dinner at Texas Roadhouse in Bangor.

June photo Day 18: Street

The request for the 18th was a streetscape, so I snapped one of Mount Pleasant as I went for my lunchtime walk.

June photo Day 17: Centred

Centred is a gate to a park that I walk by on my lunchtime walks.

June photo Day 16: Family

June was a bad month at work, and didn't leave me with much desire to take photos.  I did manage to get a couple in since the 9th, so I'll post those now.

The 16th was Father's Day, and I had planned on making a pie for my Dad.  Instead, I discovered our basement had flooded again.  John and I had to clean up the mess, so it was a family effort.