Monday, July 22, 2013

Material Girl

I haven't been posting much on Facebook lately.  I draft a status, sit and look at it, and figure very few people will care. Or it will just get lost in the mountain of cat pictures, wine memes, and advertising.  So I'm going to hop over here and talk a bit about my day.

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. I had been holding it together pretty well, but after a discussion that involved the suggestion of many changes, I just snapped. I spent part of the morning crying, and the rest of the day feeling totally exhausted. Though things are moving quickly with the renovations after the sewage backup, it's evident that we'll still be taking a loss through this process. It makes you feel like all of your stuff, listed out on a spreadsheet, is pretty much worthless. It's old, you can't find an equivalent, it doesn't make sense to replace it, it might get depreciated to the point where it's not worth replacing.  Any way we look at it, we'll be paying extra to get back to "normal" even after insurance settles up.

In addition to that, I made the decision to try and rehome my childhood furniture, which when it goes will be a physical representation of "not having kids" that I was finding more upsetting than I realized. Despite being upset from that realization, it doesn't make me want to commit to doing the work involved to have kids. So there's a double whammy that feels like I'm letting someone or something down, admitting defeat, and/or being a failure.

I have a problem with material possessions. I find it incredibly difficult to let go of "stuff". I am not in hoarding territory, but I hang onto things and have an emotional attachment that is likely stronger than most.  I'm not sure where this comes from, since as a child I never wanted for anything. So I'm not making up for a life of loss in the material sense.  People say "it's just stuff," but when you have such a strong emotional attachment to something it also becomes a way to hang onto a memory. I think it's the memories I'm afraid of losing the most.

After getting that out today, I'm considering still moving forward with the decluttering. If I don't find new homes for the old "stuff" then I have no shot at gaining something better. Maybe what we choose to do in the basement bedroom will be way better and I won't miss my furniture at all. Or maybe I'll wish I had it for a spare room when we move to a different house some day. It's the fear that I'm making the wrong decision and can't ever recover from it that prevents me from doing a lot of things in life.

I had a conversation with friends a few years ago in which most of them said they had less fear and were more willing to try new things the older they got. I said the opposite: the older I get, the more fearful I become.  I still feel the same way, and that's probably quite sad.

So I'm not really in a good place today, combined with another struggle that plagues me on a daily basis, I feel like I'm a mess right now. I'm thankful for a loving husband and cats to help me through.


KJ McLean said...

I'm here, and I'm reading, and I care. Big hugs.

Liza said...

We all need a "crash" day once in a while. Wallow in it, then worry about the new day tomorrow.