Just when you get to the point where you’re comfortable with yourself, life decides to throw the concept of aging at you, and then everything changes. For me, this seems to have manifested in a variety of physical changes: I’ve gained weight, my hair color has darkened rapidly, my skin is extremely dry. When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I fight against it, but deep down I know there’s not much I can do. It’s depressing, mainly because in our society, the older you are, the less respect people give to you. I didn’t get much respect to start with, I can’t imagine it going downhill from here.
I find it especially hard going from the straight size 0-2 that I used to be, to having to buy size 4 or 6 “curvy fit” pants and S instead of XS tops. Marketing strategists can come up with all kind of words for it, but essentially it all boils down to the fact that my hips have too much fat on them. “Curvy fit” doesn’t make me feel more feminine, it makes me feel fat. Clothes shopping is no longer a matter of seeing something I like and buying it, it’s now a huge rigmarole of trying a bunch of things on, realizing that clothing manufacturers only cater to people without hips, and deeply sighing at the thought that I didn’t used to have this problem.
I’m trying to eat healthier, exercise more, and hope that I can see some changes on the outside. I’m ashamed of the level I’m currently at, and I swore to myself I wouldn’t let it get this far. I’m probably the billionth person to say that, and may be the billionth person to fail at it. But for now this is my path, and I’m sticking to it.