It's probably me that's the problem

Tonight was the pumpkin carving party -- my 9th. Every year I seem to push myself to make it as "perfect" as I can. I bake more, I decorate more, I clean more. This year I put in a crap-ton of effort: 2 straight out days of cleaning, baking, and setup, on top of the shopping, preparing, and decorating I've been doing all month. I enjoy it, but I wouldn't go to all this effort for just myself.

Based on the replies to my invitation, I figured I had about 20 people coming this year. Seemingly more than usual. That made me very happy, as well as concerned that I'd have enough snacks for everyone. I'm of the belief that if you throw a party where you tell people you're providing food, you do more than just chips in a bowl. So, I shopped and baked accordingly.

How many people actually showed up? 9. Those 9 people were quite happy to be here, but I couldn't help but be disappointed about the other 11 who were sick, had to back out for stated reasons, or just plain didn't show up or notify me. To top that off, the weather was particularly bad today, and that likely encouraged people to stay home.

I will grant you that I am a bit too focused on the people who weren't here vs the happy people who did come and enjoyed themselves. I'm not angry at anyone: shit happens, I get that. Maybe I just try to do too much, try to make it too special. Or maybe people just don't get how much work and effort I put into making this a fun event. Maybe if they knew that, they wouldn't just not show up.

The question is: do I put in less effort next time, knowing that I expect too much of people?

Materialism, School, Traffic, Reading, and Being in Pathetic physical condition

I wish I could stop comparing my material wealth with those around me. All it serves is to make me feel bad; it's not like the others know or care. I need to learn to be happy with what I have and thankful that I am as fortunate as I am. This is one of those life-long lessons that I may never master, but I need to keep trying. Material wealth is not important, and I need to get that through my head.

I really don't give a shit about kids going to school. If they actually learned grammar and how to read, and graduated as intelligent individuals, then maybe I'd give a crap. But most of them will grow up to be entitled-feeling drains on society. Hard to get excited when education is a farce; misguided goals and no money.

[My comment above was supposed to mean that it's a farce to think the same standard of education can be delivered with fewer & fewer resources, and the misguided goals meaning spelling, grammar, and literacy falling by the wayside. It was not supposed to imply that teachers suck.]

I do care that school will add traffic to an already congested roadway and will force me to get up before dawn to eventually get to work on time. Construction continues on the bridge I take daily, with huge inefficiencies in traffic management. "Let's close an exit and then not change the traffic light pattern at the 2nd exit to account for an increase in the number of cars!" "Let's force cars to line up for over a mile in single-file rather than use both lanes to the merge point!" "While the bridge is under construction, let's also fix this overpass and add to the congestion, but make sure you don't work past 4pm!" "Let's ignore the fact that the speed limit is reduced to 70 near the overpass construction even when no one is there working, how's that for efficiency!" The city and province are horrible at traffic management. I guess they figure we "don't have much traffic" so why would we need to make alterations? They end up making things worse. There are still few traffic lights in our city with sensors. "Too expensive." I'm sure things are looking really nice in our new Police Palace though.

My reading tastes are changing. Probably a result of being in a couple of book clubs. I'm enjoying historical fiction more lately. I'm fascinated by the past and what it was like to live in those times. I often wish I could just step into the past for a visit, to see in-person what things looked like. I wouldn't want that to be my daily reality, but it would be very interesting to see.

I've started back on a goal of 10000 steps a day. Haven't managed 100% of days, but on the days where I've made an effort, I'm succeeding. Walking doesn't do a whole lot for weight loss, but I am at least getting some form of exercise and not sitting on the couch all the time. Not that you'd know it after my 2-day muscle burn from Saturday night candlepin bowling. It's pretty sad when I bowl for a couple of hours and then it takes at least 2 days before my thighs feel like they're not screaming every time I go up or down stairs.

Flight stress, perfectionism, and other ideas

I spent roughly 12h this week deciphering, planning, choosing options, and finally booking flights for an upcoming trip to the US. I had a 15% off coupon which expired Monday. Though part of this trip is work-related, I thought I'd save both me and work some money and perhaps earn some brownie points. Given the expiry date, I spent most of those hours on Monday trying to get a combination of flights that would work for us.

Problem #1: Coupon was no good on a multi-city flight. We need to leave home, fly to Eastern US, then to the West coast, then home. Air Canada doesn't fly between points in the US, so that meant I had to use the multi-city option, or book two one-way flights. Either way, I would have only been able to use the coupon once.

Problem #2: After deciding to split it into two one-way flights in order to use the coupon, and applying the coupon to my order, Air Canada removed the option to purchase a lounge pass for our 3h stopover in Toronto. If I removed the coupon, the lounge pass option came back. I picked up the phone and called to ask why, again, they won't take my money. After being on hold for a while I gave up. The coupon was only going to save me $100 total and by 11pm Monday night I had had enough and it wasn't worth it anymore.

Problem #3: Between Monday and Wednesday, one of the flight legs went up $150 per person. I not only gave up the $100 coupon savings, but also increase the overall cost by $300. At this point, I was ready to smash something. The pre-dawn flight was still at the lesser rate, as was the late-night flight, but I wanted to go in the middle of the day, at a reasonable hour, on a Sunday. Waiting two days to plan appropriately and determine other options equaled punishment by having to pay a lot more than anticipated.

Problem #4: Air Canada seems to force me into making snap decisions if I want to save money. "Grab it when you see it" is not something I can usually do. My husband thinks I take too much time and effort into getting the perfect/right answer, and there is some truth to that, but read the fine print. Ticket change fees have now doubled and are $150 per person. If I hadn't taken the time to make sure we got the exact flights we needed, I ran the risk of paying another $300 to make changes. $300 was the cost of flying from SoCal to home, so that's a pretty significant chunk.

Air travel has become a stress-inducing activity. It's difficult to book what you want, when you want, for a reasonable price. It has gotten to the point where Aeroplan (Air Canada's flight reward program) has become so limited that it's not worth my time to check for a points flight if I have any kind of schedule to adhere to. Since I'm not retired nor do I own my own business, I have a limited amount of vacation time and have to fly after work/on weekends.

We have a wedding to attend in mid-January. I thought this would be an easy time to fly, points should be available since it's after Christmas and a quiet time. My plan was to leave Friday night after work, and return home Sunday afternoon. Checking Aeroplan yielded some of the worst options I've ever seen. The only option for the times I specified was from SJ->Halifax (4h drive from home)->Moncton (1.5h drive from home)->overnight Moncton-Montreal. There was obviously no human logic component to these flight choices. Why would anyone want to fly to Halifax, back to NB, stay overnight 1.5h away, and then get up before dawn the next morning to go to Montreal? If I thought it would do any good, I'd call Aeroplan and complain that that should not be an available option. So in the end, for a short-haul flight, normally 15000 points per ticket, the only decent options available cost 50000 points per ticket. I only have 41000 points right now.

It's hard to get a deal when you have a set schedule, and yet I keep trying. I guess I should value my time and stress levels more. I'm also not sure why I bust my ass trying to get Aeroplan points when I can never use them for actual travel.

I have Air Miles, which is a different loyalty program, and almost enough to get two flights to Montreal in January. I would have to pay a small fee to top up, but can probably get us two tickets for $400. I think I need to start putting more effort into Air Miles and less into Aeroplan.

Soft-where?

I've been staring at this list of 130+ software issues for 3 days now. In some cases, literally just staring. Most of these have been outstanding for over 2 years. We've been promised changes, but yet here I still am with pretty much the same list. It's been a very lethargic week for me, I barely feel like typing keys. It's no wonder given that we continue to have the same problems and never see any real resolutions.

I've decided it's time to stop being Ms. Nice Girl and to make sure the writing is on the wall. If we decide to quit this software, we have to give a year's notice that we're leaving. I think I'd like to make sure the Big Cheese states that next week during the software company visit.

I'm tired. This software is draining me mentally and physically, and if significant changes aren't going to be made, then I don't want to devote my energy to it anymore. If I could see that good things were coming, that a couple of upgrades would solve the majority of our problems, then maybe I'd be excited and optimistic. I passed that point a while ago.

I still don't have the upgrade I was promised last September. I only recently got over some very large problems with a seemingly minor upgrade. This doesn't make me excited to move forward, even though the changes in the new version do look positive.

I thought the management changes would help the software become better. It seems this company has continued to employ the wrong people. Despite laying off quality long-tenured staff, they managed to keep the primary development and programming people who continue to keep the product mired in "why would we change that" land. I guess no one else complains, or complains enough, but I know we can't be the only company experiencing certain problems.

If you sell a physical product, inventory is one of, if not the most, important aspect of point-of-sale software. You simply must know how much of something you have so you know what you can sell. No sales = no money. Simple concept. Yet I have continued to express how unreliable the inventory system is, how much better their other software is/was at inventory, and have suggested they look to that to solve what I think is the most important issue. I keep talking to a brick wall, because the development staff are too close to the product to admit that it was crap, and it's based on a product that has been crap for over 20 years.

I'm really feeling lost this week. I feel like I have no hope. Since I don't have children and not much in the way of extracurricular activities, work is a large part of my life. So this is dragging me down a lot more than it would other people. I just want to curl up in a ball and escape from it.

No celebrating here, apparently

I've been working very hard on trying to fix a software issue. It's been 2.5 months and I'm exhausted and very close to being burnt out. I had a conference call today with the right person at the right time, and the small changes that were made fixed the problem. I asked my users to log out and back in, and tell me how it was. Out of approximately 200 users, I've had one phone call and 3 email replies. So 4 people cared about it enough to tell me it was better.

IT is a thankless job. I wasn't expecting praise; it technically wasn't me who fixed it. I did expect those who constantly complained about how slow it was to at least take a minute to tell me it was better. Guess I overestimated them.

I feel like I'm celebrating alone, and that puts a damper on what I feel is a major accomplishment. If no one cares enough to tell me, then why have I been busting my ass for the past 2 months trying to get it fixed?

Quest

I'm headed to a luncheon today for our hospital's Auxiliary association. Last year I felt underdressed in my usual casual pants and tops. Having not worked uptown in years, I ditched my suits for clothes more suitable to crawling around on the floor fixing PCs. My old suits were donated, either being outdated or too small. This left me with no suits, and after my grandfather's death, scrambling to find something to wear. Jenn helped me find a suit then, at a great price, on very short notice. In Florida this spring, she again found me a great deal on a gray suit for me to add to my navy suit. So gray-suited I went to work today, along with my new hooded trenchcoat -- a purchase I made after standing in freezing cold wet weather at the top of a hill for my uncle's funeral. My husband found that coat for me, a good blend of stylish but practical. Not quite as dressy as my old coat, but I will get more use out of it.

The only problem I'm having today is my usual problem: shoes.

Quite a while ago, I bought a pair of black leather pumps with a patterned patent toe, simple but not plain, and not too likely to be dated. At the time of trying them on, I thought my usual size seemed too short, so I went up a 1/2 size. I now know that was a poor choice. As a result, these shoes are just a bit loose because the leather has stretched, and they always hurt my feet. I keep them and use them because I haven't been able to find anything better, and when I do wear them, it's usually for such a limited time that I can deal with the discomfort.

I've been on a quest to find a replacement for these shoes. The only pair of basic black pumps I've found recently are Stuart Weitzman pumps, which although they come in my size, are often too high, too expensive, or both. "Chicpump" is a nice shoe, not as appealing to me as my current shoe, but would do as a replacement. At this point, I'd probably pay the exorbitant $300, but the only choice is suede, which is utterly useless when you live in a wet climate. I've ordered and tried other pairs, so far no luck. My choices are limited and if I have to spend $200-300 on shoes, I'd better damn well like them enough to keep them for years.

My dilemma this morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, is that I don't have a comfortable shoe that goes with a suit to wear for the rest of the workday. I don't like driving in heels, and I do not have any flat black leather shoes: another quest I have been on for a while. There are fewer choices in flats, being not as popular as heels. Any flats I find seem to always have a damn bow on them. I don't want bows. What's the deal with bows? Others aren't dressy, have an open-toe so aren't all-season, or some other ugly attribute. And this is after expanding my search to sizes that aren't really going to fit me. I ended up wearing shoes that aren't really meant to be worn with a skirt, but I can't torture my feet all day.

The quest for shoes is a difficult one when you don't have normal feet.

Observation

You don't fully realize how pathetically annoying you were after a big break-up until you start seeing the tweets of someone who obviously just broke up with their significant other. You're 19, it's not the end of the world, give it a rest.

To make up for being hypocritical, I would now like to apologize for 2004. :D

Getting older and not more valuable

Today is my husband's 40th birthday. (Happy birthday, honey.) My mother, upon learning this, commented that we [her children & their spouses] are all getting old.

My husband was watching a cartoon TV show where there was a flashback to the '60s and I asked if the '60s characters were the main characters' parents. He said, "grandparents". I did the math, and yeah, I guess that's right.

Not sure why, but I seem to be having a hard time remembering that I'm not the youngest adult generation out there anymore. I have relatively little responsibilities compared to my peers with kids, so maybe that is partly why. I am in good health, and have had some minor physical changes, but overall I'm pretty much the same.

In a culture that promotes youth and treats age like a disease, it's hard to get excited about getting older. It seems the greater your age, the less relevant you are in the eyes of today's North American society. So while I don't care that my age is x, and shouldn't care what anyone else thinks either, I know the irrelevancy train is going to slam into me sooner or later.

There are a lot of birthday cards with "getting older" jokes, but not a lot of "young & stupid". How about more of those, because there are some truly stupid young people out there today. I was careful not to get "over the hill" messages included in John's birthday party tonight. I think that is a negative and mean-spirited message that promotes our youth-based culture.

I wish we could trade in this part of our society for one which values its elders. Maybe then getting older wouldn't be a joke.

Life: boring & "real"

So far this year I've read 3 biographies: one of Cleopatra, an autobiography of Agatha Christie, and am in the middle of an autobiography of Tim Rice. Reading biographies isn't a usual choice for me, but as I grow older, I find that my literary choices are changing*.

Reading biographies is an interesting view into someone's life, but also an easy way to see how dull your life can be in comparison, and how bad your memory is for past events (provided you don't keep a diary or journal). I could pretty much sum up my life thus far into a few bullet points:

Born
Did well in school academically
Got a university degree
Failed CA
Had a couple of serious relationships
Had 2 jobs: one in accounting and one in IT
Got married
Adopted a cat

That's pretty much it. I can flesh out some of those topics some more, but it wouldn't be the subject of a book that anyone would care to read.

This is, in part, why I can't understand the viability of the Real Housewives TV series, Jersey Shore, The Hills, or any other slice-of-life "reality" TV show. It's obvious that the "events" which happen to these people are fictional, because otherwise they'd be as boring as me. Who watches these shows? Is life so bad for you that you have to live vicariously through fictional characters? I don't feel the need to supplement my life by watching fake life pretending to be real. I'm growing increasingly tired of seeing episode recaps of these shows on websites, I skip past them as fast as possible.

The truth is that most of us aren't all that special. When today's parents attempt to brag about their child reading at an earlier-than-average age, or walking sooner than most, etc., I can't help but chuckle a bit. Your kid probably isn't anything special, and lots of kids learned to do those things early (my mother says I read her the obits when I was 4). I will admit, I am not a parent, and if I was, I'd probably brag right along with the rest of them.

I was a fan of reality TV when it began. It was fun at first, but I grew out of it. I wish the rest of America would do the same.



*Not that I intend to make a habit out of reading biographies, as I can't say I've loved what I've read to date. Jury is still out on the third, but it's the best so far.

Letting the past come back to haunt me

There was a bright, shining moment where I thought I had a shot.

“It’s an IT job. In L.A. At Warner Brothers,” he said. “They’re looking for someone with 10 years of IT experience and accounting background, preferably a CPA.” I said, “Hunh. Interesting. Though I am not a CPA, and only mostly a CA,” and chewed it around in my head some more. “It’s in L.A.,” he repeated as I was about to leave. “At Warner Brothers. It may be worth putting in a resume, at least.” “Send me the link to my home IM and I’ll look at it tonight,” I said. I’m not actively in the market to move us back to SoCal, but it may be worth dusting off the resume and seeing how far I could get. If nothing else, it could be a small ego boost, something I could use right now in my career life. I left for work, starting to feel like maybe there was something else out there for me. Something at the home of Looney Tunes AND I’d be qualified to do. That I might be desirable to a company like that seemed a bit hard to fathom, but exciting and full of possibilities.

I came home that night and read the job posting, realizing that I should have left the casual conversation at the casual level. The posting was not for an IT manager with accounting background, but for an IT auditor. As I read through the qualifications, it hit me like a ton of bricks: they want the person I thought I was going to be. The girl who passed her CA and had been planning to go forward and get a CISA and be an IT auditor. Had things gone as I’d hoped back then, I’d be well established in that vein by now, and would likely have an excellent shot at attaining this job. Reading through this posting was like being in an alternate universe and going back in time all at once. My hopes fell, and I crashed back down to the ground. All the old feelings of hurt, failure, plans gone awry came rushing back like it was yesterday. “They want an IT Auditor,” I said. “And I am not an IT Auditor.”

I still have the same emotions surrounding it. Anger over not being able to pass the finals, twice, seemingly no matter what I do. Frustration over having put so much personal time into a 100% pass-fail career. Embarrassment over the realization that after spending 3+ years after university studying the subject, I still had no idea what I was talking about: a realization that came when I re-read my exam answers. How can a person who spent 16 years at or near the top of her class suddenly fail repeatedly? Aren’t you supposed to get what you want if you work hard enough? What that experience taught me is that no matter how hard you work, it does not guarantee success. I also learned that you can’t do whatever you want; some people are just not cut out for certain things. I saw many unworthy people pass, and many worthy people struggle.

I still have no regrets over quitting after 2 attempts. It was the right decision. I really didn’t belong there, I wasn’t good at it, and it was time to stop spinning my wheels. What I haven’t been able to overcome are the emotions attached to the process. The nerve is still very raw, as evidenced by my reaction to reading that job posting. I’m left with the reminder of failure, and of feeling dumb for the first time in my life. Simultaneously, I am also dealing with auditors at work. As I type this, one auditor emailed to request a conference call, and another is waiting on me to produce reports. These are the last people I really want to talk with right now.

There are comments I'd like to make about my current job/career, which is where I ran to when I escaped public accounting. I'm reluctant to post them here, though, because I suspect there may be people reading this who could use the information to their advantage and my disadvantage. I won't give them that satisfaction, nor myself the hassle.

It is a common statement that life is what happens while you're making plans. Things don't always turn out the way you hope or dream they will. I've come to the point where I'm ok with giving up that career path, not really being convinced it was truly "my" path. But that doesn't mean I'm over the feelings attached to my attempt. It may not be a constructive use of my time, but that's my prerogative. I don't focus on it very often anymore, but it does creep up now & then, as with this job posting. The longer time goes on, the more I'm able to let it go. As of right now, I still need more time.

Happenings

I realized from a friend's comment that I had left a few things hanging on here, so I thought I'd better update.

My brother was declined for the trial islet treatment. Unfortunately, they strung him along. They should have been up-front in stating what they were looking for (consistently low blood sugar) instead of allowing him to start tracking his status and get his hopes up. He received the news that he was declined just before Christmas, so that didn't make for the greatest of holidays for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he started having pain in his abdomen. He then went to the ER the next morning, was admitted to the hospital, and they eventually figured out he had appendicitis. Given his other medical conditions, it wasn't the easy diagnosis it is with most people. He had surgery and is now recovering, having gone back to work this week and got the staples removed from the incision. The appendix was indeed rotten, so thankfully they got it out before it ruptured. Still hoping there are no post-op complications, or that something in one of his other health issues doesn't get stirred up by this.

We've managed to put some money aside from John's work for our upcoming vacation as well as various projects. I think we are finally able to go toilet shopping. The toilet I purchased in 2008, just prior to John moving in, has proved to be a piece of crap (no pun intended). It's defective, but I didn't really click in that there was a warranty on it until after it expired. The defective aspect is a larger-than-normal hole where the toilet water enters the bowl, leading to water spitting out of the bowl and hitting the seat and sometimes the wall. We have to raise the toilet seat, flush it, and then lower the seat in order for the seat not to be wet. In addition, the toilet is just sluggish and never seems to flush everything down without holding the button, which I don't think should be necessary. Last time I went to Home Depot. This time we plan on going to an actual plumbing supply store, and talking to someone who knows the products they sell. We'll pay more, but that's fine as long as I get a good toilet that will last and work properly.

I haven't talked much about Romy on this blog, more out of lack of time. I wasn't sure how I would like having a cat, but I think overall I'm very glad he's around. I wish he would learn not to put holes in my clothing by hooking his claws in and then tearing the clothes as he tries to extract himself, but I try to remember not to pick him up while wearing work clothes. This week I was unsuccessful at that, and he left a hole in my sweater. I salvaged it, but I wish he'd learn to retract his claws before trying to get away. I have been disappointed lately at how often Romy is curling up with John on the couch. I would like him to do that with me as well, but it happens much less frequently. I'm the person who isn't around all the time, and John is a cat person, so Romy goes to him more than me. Romy isn't the cuddly lap cat I'd hoped he'd be, and people keep telling me he will grow more like that as he gets older, but I'm impatient. Thankfully tonight he did decide that he wanted to come up on the couch with me for 10 minutes. I've been looking at the pictures of a couple of cats at the shelter, wondering if they'd be more cuddly with me, but I'm just not sure that's fair to Romy. It's his house, and I'm not sure he really wants a cat buddy invading his territory. What I may do instead is donate a spaying to the two cats I've been looking at, and perhaps that will help them get adopted. In all likelihood, those cats wouldn't want me anyway. Romy is the only cat so far who seemed to indicate he liked me for more than a reason to get out of his cage.

We've been having some bad recipe failures lately, so I started a photo collection of dinner failures on Facebook. I'm a decent cook, and a better baker. John is a good cook. But it seems that whenever we go outside our comfort zone and try a new recipe, it doesn't end up tasting very good, or looking very good, or both. It's a way of dealing with the disappointment.

After some unsuccessful trips to Michaels, I went online and purchased the yarn I needed for John's scarf. I have yet to start it, but I hope to cast on this weekend. It would be nice if I actually finished it before the end of winter. No luck yet with yarn for a scarf of my own, but that's not as important.

Our trip to Florida is coming sooner than I anticipate. It didn't strike me until a short time ago that this vacation will actually be 2 weeks out of the office. I intended to take a week, but with the flights we got and needing to be there before and after our friends, it resulted in 2 weeks away. It will be nice, but I'm afraid I won't get enough done before I leave, and I'm afraid I'll like vacation too much and won't want to go back. The dangers of time off. It's almost better not to bother with it. Almost.

I've started using sites like Groupon to see what deals I can get online, and look for deals in places we may be headed to on vacation. So far I've purchased a $20 Amazon gift card for $10, a $20 voucher for Bath & Body Works for $10, and a $40 manicure for $20. I used the Amazon gift card toward the purchase of a Kindle for myself (stole John's too many times since Christmas). The Bath & Body Works voucher was combined with a 7 for $20 sale on soap which I ordered my favorite scents no longer available in-store. The manicure was a great surprise because I had just booked an appointment for a week prior to our vacation. As we get closer to a trip home to SoCal, I'll pay more attention to the getaways there. I've seen a couple of great deals, but that's something we'd need to plan ahead for.

Return to knitting

Winter is back in full-force, and after a 10 month hiatus, I decided to pick up the needles again. My husband and I both want specific types of scarves, so why not make them? I seem to be having some difficulty getting started, and not from lack of trying.

My husband has been commenting for a while that he wants a specific design of scarf, and I keep saying that I need him to accompany me to the store and pick the yarn. On Sunday, we managed to be in the right place at the right time to get that done. Unfortunately, for the pattern he wants, we didn't pick up enough yarn. We discovered the pattern after visting the store; I had been intending to wing it. Coincidentally, the yarn company's free patterns included one that is almost exactly what he wants. I thought this was a good sign that I was on the right track to knitting something that might work out for a change.

Back to Michaels I went today on my lunch hour. I'm not sure where the problem lies with yarn labels: do the manufacturers not make them strong enough, or do people just manhandle them in the store? Either way, I couldn't find a matching dye lot, and had to return the ball I previously purchased. I got a rain check to come back and get the two balls, but who knows when that will be in stock. I finally have some motivation to start knitting again and am stymied by this.

Obstacle #2: I like some needles and dislike others. My local yarn store carries a few different brands of needles, but last year I noticed they seemed to be ordering less of the kind I liked, and more of the kind I didn't. I thought perhaps they were phasing out that brand. Today I called the store, before trudging uptown to waste my time, to see if they still had them. A very unhelpful person answered the phone and didn't understand my clear statement of "Do you carry SRK bamboo needles" and proceeded to tell me, in an annoyed tone, "We carry Clover". Well, I can get Clover at Michaels for 40% off with coupon, and I don't like Clover to begin with, so I guess I'll have to source the SRK elsewhere. I emailed the company and asked if they had any online vendors since my local store stopped carrying them. The manufacturer told me the flagship store had placed a large needle order just last week. Well. Thanks for nothing. So I guess I have a couple of options: trudge uptown and talk to someone in person, or just drive out of town to the flagship store and speak to people who actually want to help me.

I seem to have an aversion to knitting with expensive yarn, I tend to screw up and get frustrated about "wasting money", so I generally try to stick with Michaels because I can either catch a sale or use a coupon. I picked out a silk bamboo for my own scarf, and am going to do a simple rib pattern. I want it to be basic black and uncomplicated, but a smaller knit, not chunky. I will need probably 6 balls for this project, and reg price is $6. Luckily there is a 25% off sale Saturday morning at Michaels, so perhaps I can get out there in time to find 6 matching dye lots.

I want to make some progress on something, but by the time I get the materials, I may lose my motivation. I guess I'll start another dish cloth in the meantime.

Small updates

We just had a huge rain and wind storm, which eliminated all of our snow and caused state of emergency flooding in St, Stephen (at the NB/ME border). Today seems to be sunny and "warm" (48°F), so I think I'll be able to walk on my lunch hour. Since the days are so short now, I've gone into hibernation and lethargy mode. I don't feel like getting up in the dark, and when I get home from work I just want to curl up under a blanket. Sunrise is close to 8am and sunset around 4:30. One more week and at least the days will start to get longer. Bed will probably still feel just as comfy.

Our Christmas tree is currently drying out in the garage. At some point last night, it fell over and dumped the bucket of water all over the garage. More of an annoyance than anything else, but I had to stop and right it, then fill it back up again. Romy has decided he loves drinking from the watering can, so as soon as he sees me bring it out, he begins a barrage of meows, despite being in full view of his water dish.

My crashed hard drive, that contained my only copy of a lot of data, is unrecoverable. They are shipping it back to me and then I begin the process of a warranty claim with Western Digital. I ordered a new Seagate hard drive for my OS, since that drive had issues 2 weeks before my data drive. I just want to start over and hope this never happens again. We purchased an external backup drive, so I will be making regular backups. I also still have the data from an older hard drive I found and purchased recovery software for. I was able to get 2009 and earlier data, so in the end I am missing any pictures from Jan-Aug 2010, as well as all my email/contacts. This includes all of the emails from when John and I first met, unless I can find them in an archive somewhere. I'm disappointed in that, I wanted to save them since they are our "love letters". John does have a copy of them though, so all is not lost. In the end, it has cost me around $200 instead of $1300, so for that I am thankful.

We booked flights to Florida for March Break. The best we could get using points resulted in the redefinition of the term "milk run". 7h layover in Halifax plus 3 planes on the way down. 4 planes on the way home. It was that or pay $1500 for near full-fare tickets. Money won out and we got the milk run. I'm going to call Aeroplan every week or two until the trip to see if I can't get it changed to something better. Maybe someone else will change their plans and I can upgrade. We're lucky to get what we got, so I am not complaining, I just hope we can do better and don't actually have to take 7 flights!

Organ donors

My younger brother has been diabetic since 1991. 4 years ago, he was also diagnosed with lupus, Addison’s, and hypothyroid pretty much all at the same time. His health has never been a great subject and has led to hospital time and scary days for our family.

A couple of weeks ago, my father saw a video news report about a new treatment for diabetes. My parents and my brother began talking about it, Mum doing a lot of research and making contacts. Within a couple of days, my brother was in contact with the Clinical Islet Transplant Program at the University of Alberta. He spoke to them back & forth about his medical conditions, his medications, etc. Last week he received word that he can begin the application process to be part of the program. He will go through 4 weeks of consistent blood sugar testing & recording, get his doctor’s signature, and fill out the necessary paperwork.

The procedure entails taking islets from cadaver organs and then transplanting them into my brother's liver. Luckily, he is a very thin person and likely to only need islets from one donor. Timing will depend on the availability of donors, but it could happen as soon as March of next year.

There are still more hurdles to overcome, and I try to temper my hopefulness with realism, but it’s hard not to be excited. If this transplant works, my brother’s life expectancy could be increased greatly. He could possibly see some improvements in his other medical conditions as well. Not to mention the freedom of foods and beverages and not worrying about insulin as much, or possibly, at all.

It’s an exciting time for him. I pray that he will continue to get through the next steps of the application without roadblocks, and if he finally makes it to Transplant Day, that it will work without incident.

A few years ago, my grandfather received cornea transplants from an organ donor. I had been thinking about organ donation for a while, but after this event and the improvement to my grandfather's sight, I decided to pull the trigger and actually sign up. The donor corneas allowed my grandfather to have better sight so he could still read and function on his own. I thought of how many people my organs could save, how many stories you hear of people killed in accidents and how their organs can help multiple people. I have a relative and a friend who are both on transplant lists, and I know how much it matters to me that they stick around as long as possible.

I do not drink coffee, tea, or alcohol. I am in good health. My wish is to be cremated after I am gone from this world. While I hope to live a long time, if anything were to happen to me, I'm sure my organs would be quite valuable. I could save and/or improve the life of many people who needed it: daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, brothers. In my mind, it is the ultimate gift.

If you haven't thought about organ donation, please do take some time to consider it. Think about your wishes for your body, your religious views, your health status. If you're like me, in good health and don't wish to be buried, then I encourage you to consider signing your organ donor card. When you do, inform your family so they are aware of your wishes. You never know when you, or someone close to you, may need a donation to live.

No Frills

No Frills opened in place of Superstore on the West Side. It's been a few months, and I have been there only three times, and once I did not purchase anything. They have a few policies I don't like, and I finally got around to drafting a note to send to them:

No Frills recently opened in my neighborhood and I am very disappointed. Your policy of not taking Visa as a form of payment has limited my desire to shop in your store. I use Visa for most purchases and I do not frequent stores who refuse to accept it. I am also frustrated by your shopping cart policy. While the deposit system may be desirable for your company, it is not convenient for the customer. The carts provided are large, heavy, and difficult to maneuver. The smaller carts, which were very popular and easy to use for most of the clientele of that store (primarily senior citizens), seem to have disappeared. It appears that the more senior staff were laid off in favor of student workers, who don't seem to be very helpful or friendly -- they barely look at me, let alone smile, while I am checking out. What used to be a weekly trip to Superstore has now turned into an avoidance of No Frills.

If you don't take Visa, then I'm not going to spend my $100 grocery order at your store, it's that simple. I don't carry a lot of cash, I don't want to use debit, I want to use Visa to build up my points. This policy has driven me to shop primarily at Sobeys, and I have also been spending more of my money at Co-op, who needs it if they're going to stay in business. Co-op's student workers are also quite friendly and helpful.

Having to pay 25¢ deposit to get a shopping cart out of hawk is ridiculous. I know the thinking: if the customer has to pay for it, it will get returned to the stall, people won't steal them, etc. All it has done for me is make sure that if I go in the store, I don't buy enough to need a cart. Or I take a free cart from Zellers lying around in the parking lot. This policy is only convenient for the person who bought the carts, not the people purchasing things in the store. The worst part about the carts is the removal of the small carts. They were my cart of choice, much easier to handle, and I know I'm not the only person who thinks that. There a many senior citizens on the West side, and if I'm having a hard time steering a giant heavy yellow cart, I know they must be too.

They laid off most of the senior people at this store when it changed banners. In their place are student-aged workers who obviously are only there because they have to be. That attitude shows through in how they deal with you at the checkout. One girl mumbles and barely looks at me, I actually try to avoid her line if I am there. Another just seems like he's tired and you're bothering him. I just haven't had a great experience dealing with the checkers at this store.

I'd be interested to know how things are going at this store since the change. I heard some of my co-workers talking about how great the low prices were. I agree, some sale prices are the lowest in town, and that is the sole reason I have been in the store a few times. This store also re-introduced a bag fee, something that had been so unpopular it was eliminated across the Maritimes last year. I'm curious which side has won out: low prices, or cart deposits/bag fees/limited payment options/less selection. I wonder how many have defected to Sobeys, or now choose to go to Superstore in other parts of town.

A Fine Balance

 

Since I missed book club, I decided to blog my thoughts about the book. Spoilers follow.

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This is one of the most depressing novels I've ever read. It seemed as though something bad would happen, and when you think it couldn't get much worse, something worse would happen, then something terrible, then something horrific... it just never stopped. I wasn't expecting a garden of roses, but this novel really wore me down.

For most of the novel, the characters are not likeable and I found myself with no sympathy for any of them. Frankly, I couldn't understand their motivations. Repeatedly Ishvar and Om seemed to allow themselves to go with the flow of injustice, rather than try any attempt to rally against it. Even near the end, when the Family Planning goondas were collecting them, they had the opportunity to attempt escape. Frustratingly, Ishvar decides to stay put because he hadn't done anything wrong. He seemed to learn nothing from his experiences in the labour camp. Dina spent the first 2/3 of the novel being a bitch. Maneck's situation with his parents angered me; people don't live forever, stop pseudo-fighting. He waited until it was too late to understand his father. Om and Maneck together were jackasses, stupid teenagers doing stupid things and being first-class perverts.

It's funny, I spent the majority of this novel saying about Ishvar and Om, "these people should just end things and put themselves out of their misery. Nothing good will ever happen to them." I was frustrated but kept reading because I wasn't sure what the end game was. When I got to it, I had to re-read the paragraph because I had skimmed it too quickly. What? Maneck jumped onto the train tracks? He's the one person who just started to plan a good future, and then he does this?! A repeat of what happened in the beginning, where the train was slowed due to a body on the tracks.

I enjoyed The Book of Negroes. Bad things happened, and even without the pat ending, I felt a sense of hope somewhere inside. I did not feel the same way about this book, especially not after Maneck jumped the tracks. Sure, Dina became more soft-hearted over time, still looking after the tailors years later. I just felt kind of blah at the end.

Ishvar might still have legs if he had gone to the dispensary to look after himself once Om was stable. Om might still have all his organs if Ishvar had just relented and let him choose his own wife. Ashraf Chacha might have lived longer if they had taken their chance to escape. Why in hell couldn't Om have written to Dina to explain at least a very small portion of what happened? So many times they left her hanging, and this time they had the opportunity to send her a simple letter (Ishvar hurt, can't come yet) and yet noooo, Om just doesn't know what to say and does nothing.

Although both this novel and the film Slumdog Millionaire are works of fiction, they are two accounts of the worst parts of India. If there is any truth to both, then it would lead one to believe that conditions have not improved much in the years between 1975 and 2008, and that would be a depressing thought.

I didn't hate the book, but it wasn't an enjoyable read. At least Maneck didn't turn into a tiger right before jumping off the platform. That being said, this book has stuck with me, even after finishing it over a week ago. There’s something to be said for that.

Christmas progress and frustrations

I am both pleased with my progress on Christmas shopping and frustrated at the same time. I have managed to get most people to give me their lists, which I took and turned into an online registry. I hope that by me doing the setup that they will take it and keep it updated after that. Since we all don’t live in the same house anymore, it’s tough to determine what someone wants, needs, or already has. If we’re going to exchange presents, I need ideas.

I still have three holdouts for giving me ideas. One will produce a list eventually. The second I can think of a few types of gift cards to send that I know she would enjoy. The third, I have absolutely no idea. She has refused to answer any of my requests for ideas, lives far away from me so I don’t get to spend any time with her to know her interests, has 2 small children and thus not much time for herself. I gave my best idea to someone else, which leaves me with no friggin clue what to buy her.

If I didn’t think it would be insulting, I’d consider getting her nothing. If you don’t provide ideas, then I assume you don’t want a gift. I am someone who prefers to buy a gift that I think the receiver will actually like or use. Even if I strike out, at least my thought process had them in mind, as opposed to pulling a knick-knack off the store shelf because I have to have something to wrap.

I recognize that it is still early in the process for Christmas shopping, but the sooner I have things settled, the sooner I can relax. I don’t want to keep harassing her, but if she doesn’t answer me within the next week*, I am just going to have to pull something out of the hat and not worry whether she actually likes it. I hate doing that.

*deadline not imposed by me, but by other circumstances.

Toshiba's bilingual notebook keyboard

I have used and purchased Toshiba notebooks (laptops) for the majority of my 13 year working career. Within the last few years, Toshiba Canada made the decision to supply only bilingual keyboards on all of its laptops. Customers do not have the option to choose a US English keyboard even if they wanted to.

Canada is a bilingual country. Approximately 2 million are francophone, 4 million are bilingual, and the remaining 30 million are anglophone. I'm having difficulty understanding why we are catering to the minority by default. I am not saying bilingual keyboards shouldn't be available. I do think the customer should have a choice in what keyboard they purchase. Since the keyboards can be swapped out without even taking the laptop apart, this should be an easy choice.

Below are some pictures of a Toshiba Netbook keyboard:

Bilingual keyboard

US English keyboard

Mostly identical, but the main difference is the Enter key. On the bilingual keyboard, they thought it was a good idea to make the Enter key vertical instead of horizontal. It's as if they have no idea how much this screws people up. Accuracy goes totally downhill on this keyboard. It drives me so insane that I bought a US English keyboard from eBay and intend on replacing the bilingual one before I even power on the unit. Who messes with the Enter key, one of the most frequently-used keys?

I'm interested in the opinions of French Canadians on whether this keyboard is just as annoying in your language as it is mine. There has to be a better layout than this and still include all the necessary keys. There are so many extra symbols and colors on the bilingual keyboard that I find it visually distracting. When I'm not making mistakes, that is.

I've written to Toshiba Canada to express my displeasure of not having the option to choose a keyboard. Any future laptops I purchase for personal use will be bought in the US, purely for this reason. It's that important to me.

Toshiba Canada, I think you need to reconsider your position.

Comments

Every time I re-enable anonymous comments, I get someone who decides to hide behind anonymity and flame me. So I had to remove it again. I'm not interested in what you have to say if you won't identify yourself in some fashion.

Aging: Life's Cruel Joke

Just when you get to the point where you’re comfortable with yourself, life decides to throw the concept of aging at you, and then everything changes. For me, this seems to have manifested in a variety of physical changes: I’ve gained weight, my hair color has darkened rapidly, my skin is extremely dry. When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself anymore. I fight against it, but deep down I know there’s not much I can do. It’s depressing, mainly because in our society, the older you are, the less respect people give to you. I didn’t get much respect to start with, I can’t imagine it going downhill from here.

I find it especially hard going from the straight size 0-2 that I used to be, to having to buy size 4 or 6 “curvy fit” pants and S instead of XS tops. Marketing strategists can come up with all kind of words for it, but essentially it all boils down to the fact that my hips have too much fat on them. “Curvy fit” doesn’t make me feel more feminine, it makes me feel fat. Clothes shopping is no longer a matter of seeing something I like and buying it, it’s now a huge rigmarole of trying a bunch of things on, realizing that clothing manufacturers only cater to people without hips, and deeply sighing at the thought that I didn’t used to have this problem.

I’m trying to eat healthier, exercise more, and hope that I can see some changes on the outside. I’m ashamed of the level I’m currently at, and I swore to myself I wouldn’t let it get this far. I’m probably the billionth person to say that, and may be the billionth person to fail at it. But for now this is my path, and I’m sticking to it.