Thursday, February 09, 2006


The hardest part about being here in SoCal is that I am on vacation. I have no concept of what it would truly be like to live here. Of course it seems great - it's sunny and warm every day. I have no worries. I do some laundry, I read, I walk, I shop. Pretty much exactly what I want from life, since I was never much of one for really wanting a career. Work is a necessity you must endure in order to make money and pay bills for things you need and want. I am not one of those lucky few people who have combined their passions into employment and enjoy what they do day in, day out.

I made the mistake of checking my work email this morning, discovering that I had been told off by a co-worker. I then sent my resume to someone to give me some constructive criticism on it. I carry a lot of responsibility in my job, but not everyone understands that. My position is naturally one in which you routinely get crapped on but cannot crap back. The minute I try to, in the nicest possible yet firm way, I get severely crapped on. How, I ask, does this make me want to stay in my current position?

I am not indispensible, and people seem to treat me exactly that way. If you want me to stick around, this is not how to go about it.

Until/unless I find that magical mix of a passion and a career, I will remain with a need to be employed at something. Switching jobs may not solve the root of my problem, but I find myself desperately in need of a reprieve from its symptoms. Maybe it only lasts a couple of years and I am miserable again... but at least I had a couple of years.

When I look around at what my options are if I were to stay at home, I don't see very many. I refuse to work for the major employer of the city as that would just be too similar to what I am in now, if not worse. I don't have that many options where I am, nor even that many options for retraining in another field.

Why wouldn't I want to come here? There is so much more opportunity here, for jobs or training. The weather is exactly suited to me. I am having a very difficult time thinking about the possibility of my bf moving to Canada to live with me, only to hear the same broken record coming from me day in and day out. He has a job that he enjoys, and if he isn't able to keep it and move to Canada, then I seriously have to question why I'd make him give that up for me and my job o' misery.

I honestly don't know whether to ride this out and hope that the changes coming this year will make things better, or to just cut my losses and have a fresh start, whether it be at home or SoCal.


canadianicewolf said...

Decisions, they are never easy. You appear to be seeing all sides of this clearly. There are pros and cons to everything in life. My pros and cons list (when I do them) generally are the same and doesn't help me decide. Life inevitably disrupts more than that one thing (i.e. your unhappiness at work will continue to disrupt more than your life at work) and that's when I find I am forced to make the harder decisions - so, what is better for you, your overall happiness and sanity, but also your relationship with John in the end - staying at your job, or going somewhere else? Wherever that may be?

mare said...

you know, whatever you decide, we'll all support you 100%, liz. it's obvious that you're not happy with regards to your work, and that has been obvious for some time - it's just now, it's being thrown into sharp relief by the happiness you have in your personal life.

i think you're wise to start reviewing your options - you don't know where either of you are going to end up, but it's better to be prepared.

and for the love of crap, don't check your email again! ;) take a well-deserved break. if your co-workers can't be professional about a colleague taking the vacation they are entitled to, well, then, to quote scott, they can suck it.

Liza said...

If the problems aren't resolved, they go with us wherever we go. Before making a decision, resolve what's wrong where you are so you have the option to stay--if that's what you want--and the freedom to leave--if that's what you want.

Once you know you don't "have" to leave a job, it makes it easier to leave it and move on.

California isn't better or worse, it's different. There will be problems here, just as there are problems there, so make sure you leave--or stay--for the right reasons.

Shawn said...

I feel for you Liz. Have been through a run like that, albeit a matter of moving provinces, not countries, and it's tough. Just hope that you find happiness in whatever decision you make, and realize that you're always going to have options in your life. Take care of yourself!